Chronic Couch Potato-itis

                Today’s society is awful. Some of the most serious aspects of life are glorified through the media for our enjoyment: mental disorders, morality, crime, and social hierarchy. There is true evil in this world.

                Brain function is something we all do a little differently. TV today has you believing that disorders are cool and excuse you for being a dick. Sociopathy and Asperger’s are at the top of this list. It’s alright that you’re socially inept because you’re brilliant. Your cognitive skills are something to be held in awe. So what if you ostracize your friends, you have a creative soul. Man, that’s deep. Chances are, you’re a douchebag. People with these disorders don’t just up and tell people about it. NO one wants to brag about their malfunctions. If someone is acting like they’re House and claiming it’s a disorder, fucking slap them. Not only are they assholes, but they’re also making the actual illnesses seem less serious.

                TV has made quite the impact on other social norms as well. Most sitcoms have proven to us time and again that it’s not only okay, but highly encouraged to be a promiscuous drunk. Smoking is bad, but going to the bar every night is fabulous! If you then decide to go home with someone, it can be justified with to the drinking. You can pick a fight with random people and use the same excuse. How is this okay? Reality shows have us that being pregnant is “in” as well. We as a nation love knocked-up teens. We love trailer trash moms, especially if they can’t educate their children. We truly enjoy watching their struggles. It’s really no wonder that we delight in a zombie future, it’s basically already here.

                I swear I’m not trying to rag on TV; I love vegging out as much as the next person, but here I go again. Being poor sucks. Our favorite characters show us that it’s somehow better to live with your parents or couch surf with your friends than to work in fast food. You only see the lowliest scumbags working at McDonalds or the fictional equivalent. If someone is waiting tables, it’s only because they’re paying their way through school or waiting to make it big. Something better is always on the way. Why do you need an excuse to pay your bills? Sometimes I hear people talking about how bad they had growing up. They compare situations almost like it’s a contest. The worst is always about all the drug dens they were subject to. Is it cool to be from a lower class now? I understand rooting for the underdog, but where is the line drawn. Drug dealing to pay the bills is dangerous and never a good idea. Somehow, that’s become a popular notion. Drug dealers shouldn’t be our heroes.

                Maybe I was a little harsh with the “true evil” bit. Maybe I’m too cynical about today’s society and their ability to separate life from the fantasy realm of entertainment. I will say that the idea we portray on network television is disturbing. The pictures we paint are ugly, and we don’t care. I’m sure there’s an illness we can blame, right?

Not Always Super Serious Business

I am Fucking English!

                I’m just going to talk about language for a minute. How inflection can get lost in text and the same phrase can have multiple meanings; the most romantic things that can be said; and how magic truly exists in this world. I may add more stuff if I can think of anything else.

                A simple “Oh damn!” can be taken a number of ways. It could be full of pity, or frustration. It could be dragged into a two-syllable, flattering “dayum.” It could even be a sarcastic way of saying, “Sucks to be you!” It’s really all about context. Whereas the phrase, “Oh God!” is always bad. Why is that? You could add a “my” in the middle and change it into a multiuse phrase again. It’s just really bizarre to me that a single word has that much effect; a single possessive word at that.

                “Good morning.” I love it. Someone woke up and you were one of their first thoughts. Maybe it’s because they woke up next to you, or maybe they just wanted to talk to you. Maybe they were already awake and simply paid enough attention to know your sleep schedule, and they wanted to make their self your first thought. Regardless what the circumstance, it is one of the most romantic phrases any person can say to me. I’d prefer a simple “good morning” over an “I love you” any day.

                The very definition of magic is the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces. Written word does that very thing. A simple slew of letters can change the minds and events of anything in our localized universe. Not everyone can write powerful speeches. I, personally, am baffled by the act of writing a moving piece. I also want to believe in magic. Not in the “poof-fucking-magic” kind of way, but just amazing things: lyrics, poetry, stories, anything that can change the world.

                It looks like that’s all I’ve got today.

A Bucket Full of Whack-a-Doodle

                Boys are stupid. Or maybe it’s me. Somehow, I always end up falling for men I won’t work out with. Not saying I’m in love with the current guy, I just may have accidently started to long distance it up again. At least this one’s only a couple hours away. Anyways, there are some habits that boys do that I hate.

When you text a guy and the first thing they do is ask what you’re doing. It’s like, “Well, obviously I’m trying to talk to you.” Yes, I’m probably doing something else at the same time, but I’m trying to see what he’s doing. I’m not doing anything important otherwise I wouldn’t have messaged. This is probably an over-reaction and I may be a little high-strung lately. Fucking deal with it.

How dare he just ask about me all the time. Maybe I want to know about his life. Maybe I want to know what he's into. Maybe I want to know when his band’s playing next. Maybe I want to at least know the name of his band. I’m sure if he talked about it all the time, I’d be complaining about that instead. I know he’s funny and ridiculously good looking, but that’s it. Fucking chance meetings. I hate that he’s interested in me. I have no intention of permanently staying down here, much less relocating to Montana. I hate that he makes me smile all the freaking time! I hate that he’s supportive of my sobriety kick. I hate that he takes a genuine interest in my hobbies. I hate that he’s fucking wonderful.

…

I apologize. I’ve gotten sidetracked and don’t remember where I was going with this post initially. I’m apparently a big box of Nutter Butters today. I’ll do a real post soon, I swear.

The Center of the Universe

I've gotten back into drawing. It's occurred to me that I'm ridiculously self-centered. Maybe I'll get the hang of noses one day.

For the Benefit of Being Single

                Breakups are hard. They leave you wondering what you could’ve done better or, in my case, why I’m a neurotic whack-job. It’s a little depressing whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. Up until you start dating again. It’s not only the dating part, but just meeting people is fantastic. Not saying there’s anything wrong with dating. I’ve met someone and it’s amazing.

                I’m really not that crazy. Rather than thinking I am, I’m looking at all the amazeballs that makes up me. I’m looking at everything that could’ve been better in my past relationship. Yeah, I had my problems to be sure, but this is all a learning experience. Obviously, that didn’t work out and in the future I can look for those signs and back out before it causes heartbreak.

                During my stint of sadness, I had a lot of free time. A good portion of that was lost to drinking, but not all of it. I read. I always read silly Cracked articles and such, but I had time to finish novels. I learned. I forgot how much I love researching things. I created. I picked up a pencil and just started drawing. I think it’s been about four months since I’ve drawn anything! I watched terrible movies without judgment. I simply enjoyed being myself.

                I’m back in the dating scene. I’m dragging myself out of the house and talking to strangers. There’s a lot of weirdos out there. Hidden in the crowd of crazies, there are genuinely interesting people. I’m not saying I’d date even half of them, but it’s still quite lovely having conversations with new people. Nothing is predictable. Things don't get much more exciting than discovering someone else shares the same obscure interest in, well, whatever it is that I’m currently fangirling out about at any given moment.

                Having crushes is my favorite part of being single. Giggling at lame jokes, making swooning faces from across the table, and just all around being giddy. Then comes the kissing. I don’t even care if it doesn’t lead to anything else beyond that. That moment when you both know that you’re into each other makes every breakup you’ve ever had worth it. 

                My point is that everyone’s had a failed relationship at some time in their life. Why not make the best of it?

The Joy of the Lobster

Everyone knows I'm an atheist. I don't disparage my friends for having their beliefs; at least I try not to. Mostly we just don't talk about it. My views on religion can be summed up about the same as my views on lobster.

I understand it’s a delicacy. I understand most people love lobster. When I look at it, all I see is a sea cockroach. Fucking disgusting. I can try to give it a chance all I’d like, but all it would be is trying. I can get it onto my fork and off the plate, but there’s no way it’s going in my mouth.

I’m happy for all the people that enjoy their seafood, but I will not be going out to enjoy it with you. Well, I suppose I could, but you’d only be subject to all my judgmental looks. I may also say something about how gross you are. 

Breakups Suck

Do not get black out drunk intentionally. I don't care what the circumstances are. I don't care how much oxytocin has been released into your system as a result of awesome sex. When you get dumped, don't hit the bottle. That NEVER works for anyone.

Do not call people. Dude, you're upset. And apparently drunk at this point. Calling people is the LAST thing you should do. I suppose you won't remember anyways, but your friends are lovely people and SUPER supportive. They also have their own lives and don't need your drama past midnight. As much as they feel for you, DO NOT PICK UP YOUR PHONE AT BOOTY CALL HOURS!!!

Do not call that number you randomly have in your phone from that one night stand you had that lasted 5 months. That's a terrible idea. You're an emotional wreck and this guy doesn't feel anything for you. He may be comforting, but no one wants your drama. No guy wants to hear about the last guy that was inside you.

Seriously, you're being a bitch, go to bed.

Geek Chic?

The Big Bang Theory, the Star Trek reboot, comic book movies, really anything popular these days is centered around geeks. The I fucking love science page on Facebook has 4.5 million likes. I can go to any major department store and pick up shirts plastered with Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers. What?

I remember being excited about Power Rangers in first grade. I loved it; I would race home from the bus stop to watch it. I did not get to tell my friends that. My friends were more into Barbies. Not that I didn’t like Barbie, that’s just not the first thing I would look forward to after school. I learned at a very early age that I couldn’t fangirl out about just anything in public. Sure, my friends could go crazy over Backstreet Boys(ick!), but I couldn’t tell anyone how excited I was when the green ranger switched sides.

I didn’t actually pick up my first real comic book until high school, but I was raised on Saturday morning cartoons. All the 90’s Batman, X-men, and Spiderman cartoons helped shape me into I am today. It wasn’t until middle school that I found out that these were based on comics and really not cool to be into. It also blew my mind when I found out that none of my friends like RTS games. My brother and I would totally set up a LAN and battle the piss out of each other in Warcraft 2 or Command and Conquer: Red Alert. It wasn’t cool. I mean, everyone had a Nintendo, but PC gaming? Too far.

While I’m glad it’s cool to appear to be lame now, at the same time it’s hard to tell if someone’s legitimately from a fandom or just being trendy. Did you know that Icing sells non-prescription glasses? Also, non-specialty stores now carry d20’s. It’s neat that I carry a dice-bag in my purse, unless I actually start talking about it. It’s cool to like Batman, not nearly as cool to have a favorite Robin.  I applaud directors for making the things I'm into socially acceptable, but we've still got a ways to go.

The Internet is for Porn

                I don’t demand too much from the porn industry. Dicks into orifices, not that hard, right? I don’t know how many times I’ve watched porn and just been turned off. Grooming is important to regular people. You’d think the standards would be higher on camera. Also, I understand it’s just porn, but even so I like a little better acting then what I’m usually stuck with. Then we have bizarre habits. I just can’t get into it sometimes.

                Maybe it’s because I’m a cosmetologist, but I like people to be well-groomed. I’m not that picky, I can deal with a little hair on their genitals. I’m complaining about excessive chest hair, butt pimples, messy hair(pre-coitus), and shitty makeup(also pre-coitus). There are other things, but they aren’t nearly as prevalent. Maybe it’s a fetish thing that I don’t get, but patchy hair sporadically placed around the body just isn’t something I’m into. About the butt pimples: I understand that sometimes they happen and it’s a sweaty job, so it’s forgivable on occasion. Every film though? Get some Proactive for your shit! The hair and makeup…now that’s just pure laziness. I know it’s going to get messed up in a second, but just brushing the hair isn’t that hard. I’d also rather see no makeup than mascara streaks. Also, waterproof makeup isn’t that much more expensive than standard makeup. I like to think this is common knowledge.

                Fake moans are the worst. I assume most of it is fake, but there comes a point where taking off panties just doesn’t justify the noise production. If it was just talking dirty, it’d be alright, but I’m hearing full-on orgasms. What the fuck? Maybe it’s just an Asian thing, but the almost dolphin noises for every touch is excessive. We get it, you’re into it. Maybe less so would be amazing.

                It’s sex. If I wanted sweet, romance bullshit, I’d watch a chick flick. I don’t want to hear your sweet nothings and how much you love each other. I already get too much of that in my own relationships. I don’t need giggling and staring into each other’s eyes. I want to see passion. Flings always seem to be far more intense than long-terms. There’s this air of lust about it and it’s far more enjoyable to watch. There are exceptions, for example the first time a couple is together. I want to see more of that.

                Smoking is a nasty habit on its own. The last thing I want to see in my porn is the actors/actresses light up in the middle of a scene. In between? Sure. Otherwise it distracts from the focus. It’s not something I see very often, but every time it’s a huge turn-off. All of a sudden the star has to pay attention to this superfluous prop. Now I’m staring at a bored performer and thinking, “Well, they’ve got the right idea.” I need a cigarette, too. Maybe that’s the point? I hate marketing.

                I have other complaints, but I don’t need to go on for days. The basics have been covered and I’m sick of watching porn.

Valentine's Day is for Saps

Aren't we lucky I'm a total sap.

That Evil "J" Word

                I like to think that I’m a sane, rational person. At least mostly so, but sometimes my green eye shows up and makes me do legitimately crazy things. I’d like to take a moment to consider the ridiculous things I say and do when I’m having a case of the jellies, and then blame them on monthly hormones. I’d also be a liar. As it turns out, I’m not nearly as secure in my relationships as I project myself to be. The mere mention of another girl’s name is enough to trigger the Kill Bill alarm. I am a jealous monster.

                I’m currently in a long-distance relationship, so it’s reasonable to assume we have a certain amount of trust between each other. It isn’t as if we were keeping our relationship a secret, but we had decided against becoming Facebook official. The moment one of his female friends posted a winky face on his wall I sent out a relationship request, effectively marking my territory. Friends do not post winky faces, and by no means do they tell each other what great friends they are! Facebook is terrible. This by far isn't the worst thing I’ve ever done in a fit of jealousy, but it was the most recent. At least I was passive-aggressive and didn’t cause a scene. Not that that’s particularly good either, but that’s a whole different ballpark.

                In attempt to overcome jealousy, it helps to understand why you’re jealous in the first place. One reason could be baggage from prior relationships. I have been the cheater as well as the cheatee, and I’m not proud of the former. I also remain friends with most of my exes, some of which I have been known to remain too friendly with for long after the relationship was over. I have quite the rap sheet. Well, what if he does, too? We seem to have found a root.

                Seriously, take a chill pill. Unless he’s given you a reason to believe he’s out chasing strange, he’s probably not. Take a couple deep breaths and think about it. It wouldn’t be that hard to break up. You’re still happy together. You’ll be alright. You can, however, feel free to hate the girl. Total bitch.

Music Brings Us Together

             For unknown reasons, I've been listening to a lot of sad instrumental music lately. Mostly I stick to the classics, like Mozart, Beethoven, and Chopin, but occasionally some surprising artists pop into my queue.

Zanarkand – Nobuo Uematsu

             I don’t know how many times I turned on Final Fantasy X and just let the startup video play through before playing the game. It always surprises me when video game composers can reach out to me in a way typical modern music(read as “shitty pop”) can’t even imagine to aspire to. After playing through the game, this piece became even more heart-wrenching.

Yin no Piano – Yoko Kanno

               This piece also has a strange source. I was watching Darker Than Black(please don’t judge me!) and this song was out of place for the show. It brought depth to an otherwise bland character, which I’m sure was the point, but still unexpected. I was much less taken aback when I realized the composer also did the score for many other shows, including Cowboy Bebop. I don’t think we take time to appreciate movie/TV scores nearly as much as we should.

Lady Grinning Soul – Lucia Micarelli

                It’s hard to imagine glam-rock moving anyone to pieces. Lucia Micarelli somehow manages to give me goosebumps every time I hear her rendition of this David Bowie classic. She borrows cues from new age ambient tones and neatly layers on a cautious violin. I could quite possibly listen to this song on repeat for hours on end.

River Flows in You – Lindsey Stirling

                This is another surprising song to me. The first time I heard of Lindsey Stirling was through Facebook. She did a Zelda Medley and throughout the entire video she was prancing around in a green tunic. She was talented, but I couldn’t possibly take her seriously. Even though she only performed this song by viewer request, it has changed my opinions about her.

Nothing Else Matters – David Garrett

                This song is beautiful in its original form, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that it takes a tone of grandeur as an instrumental piece. It stays true to its ballad theme, but adds some lament and maybe a sense of foreboding. At least that’s how it feels to me.

Partying, partying, yeah...?

                You’re always warned that growing up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. They tell you about paying bills and holding jobs, but they never talk about the truly important stuff. What do you do when all your friends start settling down and having kids? Or how about running into creeps when you’re out and about? Let’s see if anyone can even find a job in their field, much less maintain it. Don’t even get me started on maintaining a relationship! There are plenty of things other than bills to remind you that you’re getting old.

First off, let’s start with your friends. Not the deadbeat ones that you love to bring as guests to places, but the ones you’ve known forever that know all your worst shenanigans. Obviously, they’re your friends. You can’t just write them off and call it good. It sucks. You aren’t the same people anymore. Maybe you still have the same friends, but you should never count on that to bring you closer. Your partying may be important to you(which is the only opinion that matters right now), but they have lives now. That could mean kids, or a partner they have to check in with before they go anywhere. They need to check their budget to make sure an outing is a secure move. All this checking things and finding sitters…man, high school was nice! What do you do about it? Obviously, we aren’t completely terrible people. You let them do their checking in and go out when you can. Maybe go see a movie or out to dinner, something they can bring the family along with. Or you could stay in. Have a board game night, those are still totally cool.

                You’ve run into a weird guy at the bar. You expressed your disinterest, but he keeps advancing. You’ve been polite, but it’s not helping. Well, that was your first mistake. Chances are this guy’s wasted. If you’re really rude and he gets belligerent, trust me, the bartender will blame the guy. Usually what actually happens is they get offended and storm off until they’ve forgotten you were being a bitch. Then they’re back and it’s the same routine. It was annoying when I first started barring(can “bar” be a verb?), but now I end up making a game out of it and seeing how many different ways I can blow the same guy off.

                While you should never quit looking for a job you enjoy, it’s okay to take one you aren’t interested in the meantime. I know we look at “flipping burgers” like it’s beneath us, but really is it worse than being unemployed and living with your parents? You can do both. You don’t have to be a lump on society’s couch while searching for your dream job. It may take some time, but it’ll be a more fun stretch if you have cash you can blow on silly things. Once you do find that amazing job you’ve been searching for, don’t cut ties poorly with the lame job. What happens when your dream job doesn’t pay the bills? It’s nice to have a backup to return to if you fall on your face.

                If you’re reading my blog, I do hope you’re a partier. Maintaining a relationship can be hard. I know I love getting free drinks, but it’s hard when that pesky significant other is around. I love him, but he seriously messes up my groove at the bar. If he’s with me, I have less fun. If I leave him behind, I must be cheating. There’s no winning. This comes out to another, “Let’s just stay in,” type of scenario. I swear board games are actually cool! Well, at least when they aren’t Monopoly and take three goddamn hours to play.

                All in all, being a grown-up and making your own decisions is awesome! You drink when you want, and you have friends over when you want. Really, you can do anything you want. It just helps when you know what your friends are wanting as well. For now, I’m demanding you have a board game night. Board games are cool!

Days When Thoughts Don't Come Out Smoothly

Long Distancing it Up

                There’s this guy you know, he’s cute and funny(and brilliant, nerdy, sweet, sexy, creative, and everything you ever wanted). You wonder why you’ve never noticed him before. You get to talking, you become friends, and you even find yourself going out of your way just to hear his thoughts about nothing. Obviously, there’s a connection, so you decide to date. Did I mention said guy is more than 2,000 miles away? There are some pretty great upsides to long distance dating. You know it’s not an infatuation based on lust because all you do is talk and really get to know the person. This is all fine and dandy, but what about physical contact? Can you really trust your partner?

                Let’s get started with the talking. All you do is talk. Technology is lovely and there are so many ways to get a hold of each other. Skype for a more intimate connection, Facebook for random thoughts that you’d really tell anyone, texting to make your day go better, and, of course, phone calls. Your emotional bond is fantastic. Your fights seem to resolve themselves(I mean, what are you going to do, not talk it out?). Every new thing you learn about them is wonderful. Even when it isn’t, you’re happy you know more about them. At the end of the day, that’s all it is though. Talk. Eventually, you may run out of things to say. Awkward silence, repetitive “So, whatcha doin’ now?” kind of banter. All this technology to help you keep in contact does exactly that. You don’t have time to go off and do something exciting without them knowing beforehand. No more surprises.

                Let’s move on to sex. As much fun as it is to sneak off and send out risqué photos of yourself in the middle of a party, it doesn’t beat out having a real living person right there with you. You may even toy around with phone-sex, sexting, cybersex, or whatever gets your rocks off. It’s still a very lonely existence. When you finally do see each other the passion is overwhelming. Until then, it’s hardly bearable.

                Monogamy is always a question in the back of your mind. Are they being faithful to you? This either puts a strain on your relationship or strengthens your trust. This is assuming you’ve talked it over and decided to be monogamous. Every time they hang out with their friends you secretly wonder if that’s actually what they’re doing. Of course, that’s probably a ridiculous thought. But what if it isn’t? It’s enough to drive you batty.

                If you really believe this person could be the figurative “one” you should give it a shot. They’re obviously committed to you, otherwise why would this even be an option? They obviously think you’re more amazing than anyone else less distantly challenging. Chances are you love each other. Chances are this is going to work. Now go tell them so!

A Case of the Blackouts

                Maybe not everyone has experience getting so ridiculously drunk that they can’t remember the shenanigans from the previous night. I have had this happen too many times to count, maybe I have a problem, but that isn’t what we’re addressing today. When this happens, what are you supposed to do? The first thing should be to figure out where you are. That’s also usually the easiest, as well. The next should be to figure out how you got there. Are you alone? Who were you with? Why where you with them? Then you may realize that you’re still drunk, or you may realize how awful you feel. This only further complicates matters. You’re already confused, but now you’re learning impaired as well. You should probably contemplate getting some assistance by this point.

                Your eyes open. You first look at your surroundings hoping to find something familiar. If you’re at home, this step is easy. Your own clothes and shoes strewn about wherever, maybe even some trash lying about. Whatever, it’s familiar. If you aren’t home, hopefully you’ve been there before. At this point you should look for somebody you know. Sometimes that explains everything. Other times, the person you’re with is a complete stranger, if there is anybody else there at all.

                After you’ve established a where, you should probably see if you’re dressed. Bonus points for pants! If you aren’t, well you should probably look for your clothes and figure out why you’re naked. Sometimes it could be something as innocent as spilling something on your clothes or walking in the rain. Maybe you had sex. This could be good, assuming you’ve found another person with you and they’re someone you would have sex with. If they aren’t, you should find some way to excuse yourself from the situation. May it be finding your way home, or making the other person leave.

                These steps may be taking far longer than you expect. Take your time standing up. Chances are if you don’t feel sick, you’re still drunk. Drunk or hung over, you should take some time to get your bearings. Getting up may make you dizzy. This explains your slow reactions. Do not be afraid to throw up. It very well could make a difference between the worst day of your life and just a day that started off slow. You did bring this on yourself, so don’t be expecting any sympathies, or excuses from your daily affairs. Just hope you didn’t have anything that needed to be done.

Whatever you do, do not take any pain killers. You may want to, you may feel like you’re dying, but your liver simply can’t handle anything else at this point. Maybe you should take this as a lesson for next time you feel like drinking. Maybe instead, drink some water and eat breakfast. You know your body could use a little sustenance.

At this point, you should realize that you have a problem. Despite what the media may tell you, there is no glory in addiction. I’m not saying to check yourself into the nearest rehabilitation center, nor am I telling you to join your local AA. I’m just telling you that maybe you should examine your life. Why are you drinking so much? Is this common amongst your friends? I know peer pressure does take its toll, but sometimes you should let your friends call you “a pussy.” There’s always another day, and I’ll cheers to that!