For the Benefit of Being Single

                Breakups are hard. They leave you wondering what you could’ve done better or, in my case, why I’m a neurotic whack-job. It’s a little depressing whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. Up until you start dating again. It’s not only the dating part, but just meeting people is fantastic. Not saying there’s anything wrong with dating. I’ve met someone and it’s amazing.

                I’m really not that crazy. Rather than thinking I am, I’m looking at all the amazeballs that makes up me. I’m looking at everything that could’ve been better in my past relationship. Yeah, I had my problems to be sure, but this is all a learning experience. Obviously, that didn’t work out and in the future I can look for those signs and back out before it causes heartbreak.

                During my stint of sadness, I had a lot of free time. A good portion of that was lost to drinking, but not all of it. I read. I always read silly Cracked articles and such, but I had time to finish novels. I learned. I forgot how much I love researching things. I created. I picked up a pencil and just started drawing. I think it’s been about four months since I’ve drawn anything! I watched terrible movies without judgment. I simply enjoyed being myself.

                I’m back in the dating scene. I’m dragging myself out of the house and talking to strangers. There’s a lot of weirdos out there. Hidden in the crowd of crazies, there are genuinely interesting people. I’m not saying I’d date even half of them, but it’s still quite lovely having conversations with new people. Nothing is predictable. Things don't get much more exciting than discovering someone else shares the same obscure interest in, well, whatever it is that I’m currently fangirling out about at any given moment.

                Having crushes is my favorite part of being single. Giggling at lame jokes, making swooning faces from across the table, and just all around being giddy. Then comes the kissing. I don’t even care if it doesn’t lead to anything else beyond that. That moment when you both know that you’re into each other makes every breakup you’ve ever had worth it. 

                My point is that everyone’s had a failed relationship at some time in their life. Why not make the best of it?

The Joy of the Lobster

Everyone knows I'm an atheist. I don't disparage my friends for having their beliefs; at least I try not to. Mostly we just don't talk about it. My views on religion can be summed up about the same as my views on lobster.

I understand it’s a delicacy. I understand most people love lobster. When I look at it, all I see is a sea cockroach. Fucking disgusting. I can try to give it a chance all I’d like, but all it would be is trying. I can get it onto my fork and off the plate, but there’s no way it’s going in my mouth.

I’m happy for all the people that enjoy their seafood, but I will not be going out to enjoy it with you. Well, I suppose I could, but you’d only be subject to all my judgmental looks. I may also say something about how gross you are. 

Breakups Suck

Do not get black out drunk intentionally. I don't care what the circumstances are. I don't care how much oxytocin has been released into your system as a result of awesome sex. When you get dumped, don't hit the bottle. That NEVER works for anyone.

Do not call people. Dude, you're upset. And apparently drunk at this point. Calling people is the LAST thing you should do. I suppose you won't remember anyways, but your friends are lovely people and SUPER supportive. They also have their own lives and don't need your drama past midnight. As much as they feel for you, DO NOT PICK UP YOUR PHONE AT BOOTY CALL HOURS!!!

Do not call that number you randomly have in your phone from that one night stand you had that lasted 5 months. That's a terrible idea. You're an emotional wreck and this guy doesn't feel anything for you. He may be comforting, but no one wants your drama. No guy wants to hear about the last guy that was inside you.

Seriously, you're being a bitch, go to bed.

Geek Chic?

The Big Bang Theory, the Star Trek reboot, comic book movies, really anything popular these days is centered around geeks. The I fucking love science page on Facebook has 4.5 million likes. I can go to any major department store and pick up shirts plastered with Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers. What?

I remember being excited about Power Rangers in first grade. I loved it; I would race home from the bus stop to watch it. I did not get to tell my friends that. My friends were more into Barbies. Not that I didn’t like Barbie, that’s just not the first thing I would look forward to after school. I learned at a very early age that I couldn’t fangirl out about just anything in public. Sure, my friends could go crazy over Backstreet Boys(ick!), but I couldn’t tell anyone how excited I was when the green ranger switched sides.

I didn’t actually pick up my first real comic book until high school, but I was raised on Saturday morning cartoons. All the 90’s Batman, X-men, and Spiderman cartoons helped shape me into I am today. It wasn’t until middle school that I found out that these were based on comics and really not cool to be into. It also blew my mind when I found out that none of my friends like RTS games. My brother and I would totally set up a LAN and battle the piss out of each other in Warcraft 2 or Command and Conquer: Red Alert. It wasn’t cool. I mean, everyone had a Nintendo, but PC gaming? Too far.

While I’m glad it’s cool to appear to be lame now, at the same time it’s hard to tell if someone’s legitimately from a fandom or just being trendy. Did you know that Icing sells non-prescription glasses? Also, non-specialty stores now carry d20’s. It’s neat that I carry a dice-bag in my purse, unless I actually start talking about it. It’s cool to like Batman, not nearly as cool to have a favorite Robin.  I applaud directors for making the things I'm into socially acceptable, but we've still got a ways to go.

The Internet is for Porn

                I don’t demand too much from the porn industry. Dicks into orifices, not that hard, right? I don’t know how many times I’ve watched porn and just been turned off. Grooming is important to regular people. You’d think the standards would be higher on camera. Also, I understand it’s just porn, but even so I like a little better acting then what I’m usually stuck with. Then we have bizarre habits. I just can’t get into it sometimes.

                Maybe it’s because I’m a cosmetologist, but I like people to be well-groomed. I’m not that picky, I can deal with a little hair on their genitals. I’m complaining about excessive chest hair, butt pimples, messy hair(pre-coitus), and shitty makeup(also pre-coitus). There are other things, but they aren’t nearly as prevalent. Maybe it’s a fetish thing that I don’t get, but patchy hair sporadically placed around the body just isn’t something I’m into. About the butt pimples: I understand that sometimes they happen and it’s a sweaty job, so it’s forgivable on occasion. Every film though? Get some Proactive for your shit! The hair and makeup…now that’s just pure laziness. I know it’s going to get messed up in a second, but just brushing the hair isn’t that hard. I’d also rather see no makeup than mascara streaks. Also, waterproof makeup isn’t that much more expensive than standard makeup. I like to think this is common knowledge.

                Fake moans are the worst. I assume most of it is fake, but there comes a point where taking off panties just doesn’t justify the noise production. If it was just talking dirty, it’d be alright, but I’m hearing full-on orgasms. What the fuck? Maybe it’s just an Asian thing, but the almost dolphin noises for every touch is excessive. We get it, you’re into it. Maybe less so would be amazing.

                It’s sex. If I wanted sweet, romance bullshit, I’d watch a chick flick. I don’t want to hear your sweet nothings and how much you love each other. I already get too much of that in my own relationships. I don’t need giggling and staring into each other’s eyes. I want to see passion. Flings always seem to be far more intense than long-terms. There’s this air of lust about it and it’s far more enjoyable to watch. There are exceptions, for example the first time a couple is together. I want to see more of that.

                Smoking is a nasty habit on its own. The last thing I want to see in my porn is the actors/actresses light up in the middle of a scene. In between? Sure. Otherwise it distracts from the focus. It’s not something I see very often, but every time it’s a huge turn-off. All of a sudden the star has to pay attention to this superfluous prop. Now I’m staring at a bored performer and thinking, “Well, they’ve got the right idea.” I need a cigarette, too. Maybe that’s the point? I hate marketing.

                I have other complaints, but I don’t need to go on for days. The basics have been covered and I’m sick of watching porn.

Valentine's Day is for Saps

Aren't we lucky I'm a total sap.

That Evil "J" Word

                I like to think that I’m a sane, rational person. At least mostly so, but sometimes my green eye shows up and makes me do legitimately crazy things. I’d like to take a moment to consider the ridiculous things I say and do when I’m having a case of the jellies, and then blame them on monthly hormones. I’d also be a liar. As it turns out, I’m not nearly as secure in my relationships as I project myself to be. The mere mention of another girl’s name is enough to trigger the Kill Bill alarm. I am a jealous monster.

                I’m currently in a long-distance relationship, so it’s reasonable to assume we have a certain amount of trust between each other. It isn’t as if we were keeping our relationship a secret, but we had decided against becoming Facebook official. The moment one of his female friends posted a winky face on his wall I sent out a relationship request, effectively marking my territory. Friends do not post winky faces, and by no means do they tell each other what great friends they are! Facebook is terrible. This by far isn't the worst thing I’ve ever done in a fit of jealousy, but it was the most recent. At least I was passive-aggressive and didn’t cause a scene. Not that that’s particularly good either, but that’s a whole different ballpark.

                In attempt to overcome jealousy, it helps to understand why you’re jealous in the first place. One reason could be baggage from prior relationships. I have been the cheater as well as the cheatee, and I’m not proud of the former. I also remain friends with most of my exes, some of which I have been known to remain too friendly with for long after the relationship was over. I have quite the rap sheet. Well, what if he does, too? We seem to have found a root.

                Seriously, take a chill pill. Unless he’s given you a reason to believe he’s out chasing strange, he’s probably not. Take a couple deep breaths and think about it. It wouldn’t be that hard to break up. You’re still happy together. You’ll be alright. You can, however, feel free to hate the girl. Total bitch.