The Love Letter from Crazy Town

This is what I told him. On Facebook. I want to die.

"What I have to say is a bit of a mouthful and I don't want to spam up your inbox with a billion texts. I figure that you're already not talking to me, so what's the worst you could do? Continue to not talk to me?

"It's been just shy of 2 years that we've been doing this dance. Of course, I have feelings. I am by definition insane. Every time I call things off with you, I secretly hope you'll protest. I'm let down every time. If I thought for even half a second that you might care, I would never even look at another guy. In all actuality, I'm breaking my own heart. You make my brain stupid and lead me into terrible decisions. I wish you were never born.

"That being said, I am irreparably in love with you. I don't need any proof of devotion or any such nonsense. All you would ever have to do is ask and I would be yours. Even if the choice was between you and a Charmander. Those evolve into Charizard, so it's kind of a big deal. You've found my weakness. No, I'm not talking about the sex, but you've never let me down there either. It is near impossible not to smile when I'm around you. I love that you get me. I'm sorry I'm irrational.

"The ball's in your court. I will stop fighting for the illusive '5 more minutes' if you wish it."

I get that my love letter is unconventional, but I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to be anyone I'm not. My devotion is clear. Really, it's a shame that he doesn't appreciate me. His response?

"I've always admired your honesty. I don't want a relationship with you. You're my best friend, without question, but I don't want to be more than that. I need to let you move on with your life. If ending our friendship means that I will never be the cause of your pain, I will support it one million percent."

So, when he texts me every day? I think about this. One of my friends still sees us getting married one day. I don't think so, but I currently love him all the same.

Love is just a Game

     People are so simple, but yet so complex. "Love is all you need." I've been in love. Reciprocal as well as unrequited. It isn't everything.
     Parents and beliefs matter. I'm lumping the two together because in my experience they usually come hand-in-hand. I am, and never will be, a part of the religious folk. My father quit forcing church when I was five. I said it was stupid. I grew up lucky with a wondrously accepting parent. Others need validation. I'm too brazen to fit in to a lot of families. Meeting circumstances can help. If I'm cutting fabric when I meet moms, that's forever where they will see me. I don't cut fabric but once a decade. If I meet them in torn jeans and tattoos exposed? I'm generally seen as trampy. I hate moms. I don't care what kind of relationship I'm in, your family's opinion does matter.
     Circumstance always comes into play as well. I'm comfortable with my lifestyle. I don't want to move. I probably should, but I don't want to. No amount of pros and cons is going to change that. I could be even happier your way. I still won't care. I'm stubborn. I'm opinionated. Mostly, I'm currently happy. I'm not looking to see how long that will last(I know it won't be forever.). I very obviously hate my future self. I plan day to day. In six months, I could be blissful. In six months, I could be miserable. Who's to say what happens in the next six months?
     I feel like the biggest drawback to love is feelings. Rewind ten hours and I was silly, optimistic, and caring. Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still all these things, but I'm also angry and depressed. In both states I would refuse a marriage proposal, but I would refuse differently. Right now, I don't believe in love. That makes sense to me. Love only exists as a reproductive scheme. Ten hours ago I would have refused because you can't commit to a single person. Love is everywhere. Love is what creates life. It isn't something that can be restricted to two people alone. Feelings are strong, regardless the flippy-floppy people they come from.
     I suppose my response is kind of the same both ways. I won't defend what I believe. I may word things differently on occasion, but I'm always me.
     Anyways, my point is that you need more. Love, compatibility, and timing are great, but it doesn't always work. Feelings lie. Circumstances change. I'm not saying we should be alone, just that traditional relationships are bullshit. Have fun when you can.

Free Agents

     I live life only for this life. I think that's what most people forget about being godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. One might say that I have nothing to live for. Nothing could be more the opposite. I have literally everything to live for. Every choice that I make affects my day to day life. You might say that of everyone, but I can't be forgiven just by telling someone I messed up. I can't repent for yesterday's mistakes. Confessing my crimes will never absolve me of them. If I lie, cheat, steal, or whatnot, I live everyday knowing that. I am damned eternally, god or no. My eternity is just shorter.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

     There are the obvious risks of alcohol abuse: liver cirrhosis, drunk driving, and of course, poor decision-making. What we don't talk about are other symptoms. I don't know why. We preach about our food choices and active lifestyle choices, why not go into greater detail about alcohol? I have a money/economy theory, but that's not what I'm talking about today.
     Dementia. It's known that people are prone to poor decisions while intoxicated, but heavy drinking can also lead to deficits in the ability to plan. Although I do crosswords and logic puzzles on the regular, in the long-term my alcoholism will affect my problem solving abilities. It may not be strictly the alcohol, but my drinking can affect the way I absorb nutrients, which can also trigger dementia.
      Surely you've heard the "Which Came First" debate. I always side with the egg, but again, not my topic. Depression and alcoholism go hand in hand. Some people will self-medicate for depression, while others are drunk and get depressed because of it. I'm a case from the latter. I generally lead a good life. Yeah, sometimes I'm broke and sometimes I'm alone. I also have the greatest group of friends for support. I like where I'm living, and I generally like my life. Somehow, I still can't make it a week without consuming a beer or twelve. Just today I've had a carafe of hot sake, a plum wine, three Mike's, and four shots. I'm sure I could come up with a thousand excuses as for why, but the fact remains that I didn't need to drink tonight. I did. I'm not sad, or even lethargic. I went out and did things today. I just wanted to drink.
     I am overweight. I'm not huge, but I'm definitely not the same girl I was ten years ago. You could strike that up as an age thing, but it's where I carry the weight that is a dead giveaway. While I have gotten bigger all around, the majority of the new weight is carried around my stomach. My legs will fit three to four pants sizes down from my waist. My butt is the most awkward thing when buying jeans. I still manage to pick up hotties, so I tell myself it isn't a big deal. It can't be particularly healthy.
     On occasion I develop numbness in my extremities. For about a week last year I couldn't feel the toes on my right foot. I also experienced seizures at the time. Only for the beginning of the week, but still. Seizures are serious business. I absolutely did not go to the doctor. I knew what the cause was, and I knew the solution. Five years ago, a weekend binge resulted in embarrassing stories where I walked into screen doors or spoke of robot conspiracies that would kill my friends. Lately, my binges last a day. I would drink a second day, but between being miserably bedridden and shitting out hurricanes, I just don't have the energy. I used to throw up when I'd had too much, and I miss it. As embarrassing as that was, it was better than admitting that I can't remember anything. I've taken to faking it. I've heard enough blackout stories that I can pretend I know what happened. Back to my statement with the numbness, while I've never shit myself, I've peed. This has something to do with nerve damage. I just don't have the same sensation I used to. It's also ruined drunk sex. Yeah, I can fuck all night, but I will never orgasm. What's the point?
     Yeah, drinking is totally cool. Tell all your friends. I want you to feel superior to everyone you know that uses "hard drugs". Alcoholism is WAY better.