The Unnoticeables by Robert Brockway

     I got this book as a birthday present from a friend. I had every intention of buying it for myself, but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet. That being said, I am a terrible procrastinator. I didn’t start reading it until probably about a month later. I was drawn in by the first line alone. I barely set it down even to sleep. Reading it was like nothing else I had read before without being too pretentious. It was humorous and utterly enthralling.

     Carey is absolutely wonderful. Well, not really; he’s a bit of a loser and he’s completely incompetent. He sort of reminds me of these traveling crust kids I knew in my hometown that rolled into town every summer. Homeless, a little smelly, and always down to party. I supposed that leaves me a little biased toward him. I loved watching him grow into the hero he’s forced into becoming. Literally forced, kicking and screaming. While being reckless and irresponsible, he’s caring and protective of his group. He’s sexy and completely disgusting, and he makes for a fantastic main character.

     As a no nonsense sort of woman, I expected to relate to Kaitlyn. I was disappointed with her inconsistencies. The only draw to her character is that she’s a hardcore stuntwoman. She drives a bike, has fighting experience, and man, can she take a beating. She’s also timid and lets herself get walked on. She gets roped into pulling extra shifts at a job she hates, and is also terrible at, leaving me wondering why she hasn’t been fired. Her “best friend” drags her out to parties and forces her onto strangers. While this is normal in girl-world, the extent that her friend takes it to leaves me wondering how they are best friends to begin with. Maybe there’s more to their relationship, but it doesn’t really come out. She’s paranoid and has some sort of social anxiety. How the hell does she wind up with Carey? I like them as partners, but it isn’t really believable.

     As much as I didn’t like Kaitlyn, I understand how necessary she was to the overall story. I enjoyed how the timelines twisted together as well as the parallels they created. Without spoiling too much, I loved the reveal for the first chapter. It felt like it should have been obvious, but I was still blind-sighted. Gloriously so.

     There were points in the book where I was a little bit drunk while reading. I randomly wrote out a quote that I found compelling and super meaningful. I have no idea why now, it wasn’t that amazing given the context. I guess things strike me differently when I’m wasted.

     “I do not think you can do that,” Gus said, and his voice was still water. Deep and flat and unfathomable. “It will be interesting to watch you try.”

     Out of all the delightful quips, the bits that made me laugh out loud, out of all the clever wit and action, that is the passage I wrote down. In hindsight, that sort of sums up the book in its entirety. My drunken self may be brilliant.

     So, here I am trying to wrap up my thoughts on the book and I realize I haven’t even mentioned the villains. The Angels are confusing for the majority of the book, but you know there’s nothing good coming from them. I suppose the Tar Men are a little scary, but mostly they’re throwaway action and help the characters develop and make it painfully obvious that something is going on. The Empty Ones are the stuff of nightmares. They’re believable and nearly impossible to spot. Their purpose almost makes me never want to meet any of my celebrity crushes. Of course, the fangirl in me says that being Unnoticeable wouldn’t be too horrible. This is assuming I wouldn’t “wake up” in the midst of the Empty Ones’ plans for me.

     All in all, I wait with fierce anticipation for the rest of the series.

The Concern is Mine Alone

     I know I have a lot to say about my love life, but it’s kind of a happening place. I’ve tried to shut up about it, but it’s harder than you think when you have nosey friends and more than one lover at a time. Everyone has an opinion. It doesn’t matter how much of it is old news, someone finds out something new and it has to be brought to your attention. Again. Oh! And another fifty thousand times after.

     About a month ago, my ex started dating a new girl. Yes, I was still fucking him when they supposedly got together. Rude on his part. I didn’t even know he was dating. I assumed, but it wasn’t really a big deal. Anyways, he started dating one of my girl’s friends. She just found out today and freaked out and is asking me all these questions. She wants to know when I stopped talking to him and all these things. Really, it’s like, “This is none of your fucking business.” So, we didn’t work out. So, he was a jerk. I’m sure he has quite an arsenal to say about me as well. Maybe things will work out better for them. It’s really no one else’s concern.

     I am kind of seeing someone. He wants me to be his girlfriend, but he’s a little young for me. That, and I’m not done seeing other people. I like getting/making booty calls. So, that makes me slutty. I don’t care about your labels. I believe in condoms. If I was in a relationship, I’d be having the same amount of sex, it just would be the same guy every time. I like variety. You know, everyone is good at something different. I have a guy that likes to get wasted and fuck all night, I also have a guy that doesn’t drink. I have a guy that likes butt stuff. I have a guy that likes eating pussy. Point is, I love my smorgasbord. I’m also very open about it. If you ask, don’t be uncomfortable when I answer. Don’t judge me when I answer either. I don’t look down at you for asking in the first place. I also don’t ask about your sex life. Why? It’s none of my fucking business.

     I’ve lost friendships over this. Say, I used to see a guy. I’m not anymore, but I used to. I’m not friends with any of these guys that this has happened with, but people come up to me and just give me random updates about my old flames. I don’t care. The only time this has held any interest to me is when one of them died. Even then, I had personal shit going on and I wasn’t about to go out of my way for the funeral. Why did I even need to know? I wasn’t talking to him, I hadn’t in a long ass time. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I kind of have a theme going on here. Mind your own fucking business!

     I don’t care if you have your friend’s best intentions in mind, it’s usually best not to stir the pot. If they want to talk to you, then they will.

The Love Letter from Crazy Town

This is what I told him. On Facebook. I want to die.

"What I have to say is a bit of a mouthful and I don't want to spam up your inbox with a billion texts. I figure that you're already not talking to me, so what's the worst you could do? Continue to not talk to me?

"It's been just shy of 2 years that we've been doing this dance. Of course, I have feelings. I am by definition insane. Every time I call things off with you, I secretly hope you'll protest. I'm let down every time. If I thought for even half a second that you might care, I would never even look at another guy. In all actuality, I'm breaking my own heart. You make my brain stupid and lead me into terrible decisions. I wish you were never born.

"That being said, I am irreparably in love with you. I don't need any proof of devotion or any such nonsense. All you would ever have to do is ask and I would be yours. Even if the choice was between you and a Charmander. Those evolve into Charizard, so it's kind of a big deal. You've found my weakness. No, I'm not talking about the sex, but you've never let me down there either. It is near impossible not to smile when I'm around you. I love that you get me. I'm sorry I'm irrational.

"The ball's in your court. I will stop fighting for the illusive '5 more minutes' if you wish it."

I get that my love letter is unconventional, but I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to be anyone I'm not. My devotion is clear. Really, it's a shame that he doesn't appreciate me. His response?

"I've always admired your honesty. I don't want a relationship with you. You're my best friend, without question, but I don't want to be more than that. I need to let you move on with your life. If ending our friendship means that I will never be the cause of your pain, I will support it one million percent."

So, when he texts me every day? I think about this. One of my friends still sees us getting married one day. I don't think so, but I currently love him all the same.

Love is just a Game

     People are so simple, but yet so complex. "Love is all you need." I've been in love. Reciprocal as well as unrequited. It isn't everything.
     Parents and beliefs matter. I'm lumping the two together because in my experience they usually come hand-in-hand. I am, and never will be, a part of the religious folk. My father quit forcing church when I was five. I said it was stupid. I grew up lucky with a wondrously accepting parent. Others need validation. I'm too brazen to fit in to a lot of families. Meeting circumstances can help. If I'm cutting fabric when I meet moms, that's forever where they will see me. I don't cut fabric but once a decade. If I meet them in torn jeans and tattoos exposed? I'm generally seen as trampy. I hate moms. I don't care what kind of relationship I'm in, your family's opinion does matter.
     Circumstance always comes into play as well. I'm comfortable with my lifestyle. I don't want to move. I probably should, but I don't want to. No amount of pros and cons is going to change that. I could be even happier your way. I still won't care. I'm stubborn. I'm opinionated. Mostly, I'm currently happy. I'm not looking to see how long that will last(I know it won't be forever.). I very obviously hate my future self. I plan day to day. In six months, I could be blissful. In six months, I could be miserable. Who's to say what happens in the next six months?
     I feel like the biggest drawback to love is feelings. Rewind ten hours and I was silly, optimistic, and caring. Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still all these things, but I'm also angry and depressed. In both states I would refuse a marriage proposal, but I would refuse differently. Right now, I don't believe in love. That makes sense to me. Love only exists as a reproductive scheme. Ten hours ago I would have refused because you can't commit to a single person. Love is everywhere. Love is what creates life. It isn't something that can be restricted to two people alone. Feelings are strong, regardless the flippy-floppy people they come from.
     I suppose my response is kind of the same both ways. I won't defend what I believe. I may word things differently on occasion, but I'm always me.
     Anyways, my point is that you need more. Love, compatibility, and timing are great, but it doesn't always work. Feelings lie. Circumstances change. I'm not saying we should be alone, just that traditional relationships are bullshit. Have fun when you can.

Free Agents

     I live life only for this life. I think that's what most people forget about being godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. One might say that I have nothing to live for. Nothing could be more the opposite. I have literally everything to live for. Every choice that I make affects my day to day life. You might say that of everyone, but I can't be forgiven just by telling someone I messed up. I can't repent for yesterday's mistakes. Confessing my crimes will never absolve me of them. If I lie, cheat, steal, or whatnot, I live everyday knowing that. I am damned eternally, god or no. My eternity is just shorter.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

     There are the obvious risks of alcohol abuse: liver cirrhosis, drunk driving, and of course, poor decision-making. What we don't talk about are other symptoms. I don't know why. We preach about our food choices and active lifestyle choices, why not go into greater detail about alcohol? I have a money/economy theory, but that's not what I'm talking about today.
     Dementia. It's known that people are prone to poor decisions while intoxicated, but heavy drinking can also lead to deficits in the ability to plan. Although I do crosswords and logic puzzles on the regular, in the long-term my alcoholism will affect my problem solving abilities. It may not be strictly the alcohol, but my drinking can affect the way I absorb nutrients, which can also trigger dementia.
      Surely you've heard the "Which Came First" debate. I always side with the egg, but again, not my topic. Depression and alcoholism go hand in hand. Some people will self-medicate for depression, while others are drunk and get depressed because of it. I'm a case from the latter. I generally lead a good life. Yeah, sometimes I'm broke and sometimes I'm alone. I also have the greatest group of friends for support. I like where I'm living, and I generally like my life. Somehow, I still can't make it a week without consuming a beer or twelve. Just today I've had a carafe of hot sake, a plum wine, three Mike's, and four shots. I'm sure I could come up with a thousand excuses as for why, but the fact remains that I didn't need to drink tonight. I did. I'm not sad, or even lethargic. I went out and did things today. I just wanted to drink.
     I am overweight. I'm not huge, but I'm definitely not the same girl I was ten years ago. You could strike that up as an age thing, but it's where I carry the weight that is a dead giveaway. While I have gotten bigger all around, the majority of the new weight is carried around my stomach. My legs will fit three to four pants sizes down from my waist. My butt is the most awkward thing when buying jeans. I still manage to pick up hotties, so I tell myself it isn't a big deal. It can't be particularly healthy.
     On occasion I develop numbness in my extremities. For about a week last year I couldn't feel the toes on my right foot. I also experienced seizures at the time. Only for the beginning of the week, but still. Seizures are serious business. I absolutely did not go to the doctor. I knew what the cause was, and I knew the solution. Five years ago, a weekend binge resulted in embarrassing stories where I walked into screen doors or spoke of robot conspiracies that would kill my friends. Lately, my binges last a day. I would drink a second day, but between being miserably bedridden and shitting out hurricanes, I just don't have the energy. I used to throw up when I'd had too much, and I miss it. As embarrassing as that was, it was better than admitting that I can't remember anything. I've taken to faking it. I've heard enough blackout stories that I can pretend I know what happened. Back to my statement with the numbness, while I've never shit myself, I've peed. This has something to do with nerve damage. I just don't have the same sensation I used to. It's also ruined drunk sex. Yeah, I can fuck all night, but I will never orgasm. What's the point?
     Yeah, drinking is totally cool. Tell all your friends. I want you to feel superior to everyone you know that uses "hard drugs". Alcoholism is WAY better.

Exes, Ohs, and the Marquis de Carabas

     Love is a funny thing. I often confuse it with lust, but in this particular scenario, I think I might be getting it right. Mind you, I'm still no good at it. As time passes I find myself growing more manipulative. Forever trying for "five more minutes" is enough to make anyone crazy.
     Chasing the ex is going about as well as it always does. When we're together, it's wonderful. It's not even about the sex(not that he's ever left me with any complaints). When we aren't together, I'm looking for an excuse to see him. I could see myself spending forever with him. I can't tell him such things, but I would marry him in a heartbeat. At this point, we're friends first, anything more is just bonus. We talk every day. Sometimes it's serious, and other times it's arguing about whether magenta is purple or pink(totally pink!). We both understand that we aren't together, but the longest we go without at least texting is about two days. I love hearing about his day-to-day frustrations, his future goals, and whatever dumb shit pops into his head. It's basically every aspect of being in a relationship, just without the title. Oh, and free-reign to see other people.
     Recently, I've taken up this dating freedom. I've been talking to other guys, nothing serious, but I did manage to sleep with one. I don't know if it was actually terrible, or if I've just hardwired myself for failure. I'm certain I've raved about the ex's sexual prowess, but I can't think of anything particularly special that he does. Half of it might just be our banter. I think you should be able to laugh in the throws of passion. After a year and a half I've come to expect it. I've grown accustomed to the shape of his lips, as well as the rhythm of his tongue entangling with my own. Making out with another guy just feels weird. I don't want anyone else.
     Here's where the manipulation comes in. Our non-relationship dictates that we can totally do whatever we'd like with whomever we'd like. We only tell each other if it looks like it's gonna get serious. Sometimes he starts blowing me off, and I've pretty much taken that to mean he's started seeing someone else. Nothing snaps him back into shape like jealousy. Even though I'm not really interested in these other guys, I'll mention to him that I'm sort of seeing someone and we should probably stop sleeping together. He'll ask what said guy is like and I'll combine my favorite traits from these other guys and pick one of their names. I'll basically paint the guy as being perfect. Last time I did this, he was over within the hour. Is that crazy? I feel mildly terrible for lying, but it's terribly effective. Just the other day I wasn't feeling well, he came over anyways and snuggled with me for a couple hours.
     It feels like love. You can argue with me all day and night about my poor decisions and how unhealthy this is, but at the end of the day I still adore him. I'm elated when I wake up next to him. It's terribly unconventional, but it makes me happy.

Swipe Left!

     I'm an online dater. At least, I was. At this point, I mostly use my accounts to troll men or to use as a soapbox when I'm on rampage. Guys will at least pretend to listen when they want to mash junk and whatnot. I know online dating works for some people, it just hasn't for me. Maybe I'm too picky. Can one even be too picky online? Anyways, I have some complaints. What else is new?
     I suppose I'll start off with the easy shots. You're talking to some guy, you're even hitting it off. You decide to exchange numbers. Boom! Dick pic. Seriously? If I gave you my snapchat info, I'd get it. Kind of. But my phone number? I thought I had gotten away from this by switching to sites where I can't send pics. Nope. We've just created a new breed of cock shot offenders. Is there something gratifying about sending unwarranted viewings of your shlong? I mean, why go through the time and energy of actual conversation just to surprise me with your penis at first opportunity? Color. Me. Baffled.
     They are dating websites, right? If I wanted a random hook-up, I could easily saunter down to the nearest bar(trust me, there are a few) and jimmy my way into some dude's pants. That being said, I hate getting messages asking for sex. You could argue that at least they're being honest and just skipping the pretext facade thing. You could argue that I could just check their profile and see if I want to do it as well. I've totally slept with men with less information. It's just too bad that I like the pretext facade thing. Put some thought into it. I'm not so naive that I'm going to be talking to guys that I can't see having crazy monkey sex with at some point. I like sex, they like sex(hopefully), and I assume if we hit it off it will happen. I just like a bit of metaphor-play.
     My biggest beef with online dating is laziness: scripted messages that you get over and over, single word messages, when checking their profile it's clear that they only looked at your picture, and it's really just awful. You know, I'm pretty chill for the most part. I'll blow off messages, it's easier than turning guys down individually. I used to, but they usually argued with me and tried to convince me otherwise, so I've quit. Usually that's fine. Some guys will send a second, I'm okay with that as well. After the third, he's just talking to himself really. Then I start getting irritated. I'll respond politely at first so they know that I did see their messages, and that I just have no interest. One pick up line later and I've grabbed my megaphone and it's up to full blast. I may have lied a second ago; I love it when it gets to this point. They actually get really offended and start calling me names. As it turns out, I love banter. It's not going to get them anywhere, but I enjoy it never the less. Getting mad over it would be like playing Call of Duty and being offended over some kid calling me a faggot. It's just expected.
     Speaking of being offended: Guys, don't sheepishly tell me how you aren't an online dater. Obviously, you and I both are. The fact that you're embarrassed says wonders about me. I get that you might be socially awkward or whatever. By telling me you "never do this," you're really just ostracizing me. I'm not about to lie to my friends about how we met, and I sure as hell won't let you shame me over it.
     All in all, I think the main reason I can't seem to met someone online is because of choice. You'd think that choice would bring more opportunity, but really it makes everything worse. The options are basically limitless, so I keep getting choosier. With this mindset the grass can always be greener.

     Oh hey, look! I got a message!