For the Benefit of Being Single

                Breakups are hard. They leave you wondering what you could’ve done better or, in my case, why I’m a neurotic whack-job. It’s a little depressing whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. Up until you start dating again. It’s not only the dating part, but just meeting people is fantastic. Not saying there’s anything wrong with dating. I’ve met someone and it’s amazing.

                I’m really not that crazy. Rather than thinking I am, I’m looking at all the amazeballs that makes up me. I’m looking at everything that could’ve been better in my past relationship. Yeah, I had my problems to be sure, but this is all a learning experience. Obviously, that didn’t work out and in the future I can look for those signs and back out before it causes heartbreak.

                During my stint of sadness, I had a lot of free time. A good portion of that was lost to drinking, but not all of it. I read. I always read silly Cracked articles and such, but I had time to finish novels. I learned. I forgot how much I love researching things. I created. I picked up a pencil and just started drawing. I think it’s been about four months since I’ve drawn anything! I watched terrible movies without judgment. I simply enjoyed being myself.

                I’m back in the dating scene. I’m dragging myself out of the house and talking to strangers. There’s a lot of weirdos out there. Hidden in the crowd of crazies, there are genuinely interesting people. I’m not saying I’d date even half of them, but it’s still quite lovely having conversations with new people. Nothing is predictable. Things don't get much more exciting than discovering someone else shares the same obscure interest in, well, whatever it is that I’m currently fangirling out about at any given moment.

                Having crushes is my favorite part of being single. Giggling at lame jokes, making swooning faces from across the table, and just all around being giddy. Then comes the kissing. I don’t even care if it doesn’t lead to anything else beyond that. That moment when you both know that you’re into each other makes every breakup you’ve ever had worth it. 

                My point is that everyone’s had a failed relationship at some time in their life. Why not make the best of it?

The Joy of the Lobster

Everyone knows I'm an atheist. I don't disparage my friends for having their beliefs; at least I try not to. Mostly we just don't talk about it. My views on religion can be summed up about the same as my views on lobster.

I understand it’s a delicacy. I understand most people love lobster. When I look at it, all I see is a sea cockroach. Fucking disgusting. I can try to give it a chance all I’d like, but all it would be is trying. I can get it onto my fork and off the plate, but there’s no way it’s going in my mouth.

I’m happy for all the people that enjoy their seafood, but I will not be going out to enjoy it with you. Well, I suppose I could, but you’d only be subject to all my judgmental looks. I may also say something about how gross you are. 

Breakups Suck

Do not get black out drunk intentionally. I don't care what the circumstances are. I don't care how much oxytocin has been released into your system as a result of awesome sex. When you get dumped, don't hit the bottle. That NEVER works for anyone.

Do not call people. Dude, you're upset. And apparently drunk at this point. Calling people is the LAST thing you should do. I suppose you won't remember anyways, but your friends are lovely people and SUPER supportive. They also have their own lives and don't need your drama past midnight. As much as they feel for you, DO NOT PICK UP YOUR PHONE AT BOOTY CALL HOURS!!!

Do not call that number you randomly have in your phone from that one night stand you had that lasted 5 months. That's a terrible idea. You're an emotional wreck and this guy doesn't feel anything for you. He may be comforting, but no one wants your drama. No guy wants to hear about the last guy that was inside you.

Seriously, you're being a bitch, go to bed.