Sunday, April 8, 2018

It's Too Late

I pretend I'm smarter than I've been
You smile and always come through
I don't know if I can ever let you in
There's nothing left for you to do

My life's coming down like a molotov
You say there's a better way
I'm headstrong and brush it off
There's nothing left for you to say

I've only shown you my worst
You never thought to stray
My best came out perversed
There's nothing left to make you stay

I keep repeating the same promise
You're disappointment strikes true
I swear through breath of vodka tonics
But there's nothing left for you

Saturday, May 14, 2016

A New Brand of Crazy

     I so don't understand men. Usually it's me that's the confusing and irrational one, and I enjoy these features about myself. I'm also usually pretty good about keeping my emotions out of it. Obviously, I screw up sometimes.
     So, I'm seeing this guy. I kind of like him. He's smart, funny, super-nerdy, and kinda chubby. I'm cool with it. He's also stupid-ridiculous in the sack. We game together, get dinner and drinks, and all that fun stuff.
     Then the crazy sets in. Said guy blocks my number with no explanation. I'm confused and a little irritated now. I decide it's not worth it and go see some other guy for drinks. Not a big deal. A few days go by and the first guy calls me and invites me to get lunch. I'm a sucker for Olive Garden, of course I go.
     We meet up and I'm kind of a dick. You don't get to just blow me off and still expect me to be sweet. He tells me that I scare him and he's starting to get feelings for me. He panicked and decided to push me away rather than admit there could be something here. He apologizes profusely. I'm a total sucker for feelings.
     I am by no means about to call this guy my boyfriend, but we definitely do super date-y stuff. He helps me pick colors for my hair, we hold hands in the store, he convinces me to by plastic ceiling stars(insisting he'll put them up for me because there's no way I'd be able to reach). I help him do dishes, we sign up for painting classes. It's all too cute for words. He blows me off a couple times, but swears he'll make it up to me.
     Then I get dropped with a bunch more crazy! His "ex-girlfriend" gets on his Facebook and sends me a long-winded message saying what a dirtbag he was and that he lies all the time. She's just looking out for my best interest and she's certain I deserve better. I tell her he's not my boyfriend, but thanks for looking out. Bitch must be drunk or something, she just keeps going on about what a horrible person he is and that he's awful in bed. Then she asks if I knew he had a girlfriend. Keep in mind she started this conversation with, "This is his ex." I'm hung-over as shit at this point and I'm sick of this poor, broken girl blowing up my phone. "Well, by your own words, you aren't his girlfriend. So, obviously, how could I have known?" "I was until yesterday." "No, he never said anything, take it up with him." She goes on about her trust issues and how she finally started opening up to him. He told her I was just a friend. "We've just been hanging out." "He said you were really good in bed?" Seriously? Does this boy thrive on drama or what? "In bed, in the car, in the shower, and really wherever we feel like doing it. But yeah, just friends." I wonder if he's noticed that she's blocked me.
     I'm back to being over it.

Friday, November 13, 2015

The Unnoticeables by Robert Brockway

     I got this book as a birthday present from a friend. I had every intention of buying it for myself, but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet. That being said, I am a terrible procrastinator. I didn’t start reading it until probably about a month later. I was drawn in by the first line alone. I barely set it down even to sleep. Reading it was like nothing else I had read before without being too pretentious. It was humorous and utterly enthralling.
     Carey is absolutely wonderful. Well, not really; he’s a bit of a loser and he’s completely incompetent. He sort of reminds me of these traveling crust kids I knew in my hometown that rolled into town every summer. Homeless, a little smelly, and always down to party. I supposed that leaves me a little biased toward him. I loved watching him grow into the hero he’s forced into becoming. Literally forced, kicking and screaming. While being reckless and irresponsible, he’s caring and protective of his group. He’s sexy and completely disgusting, and he makes for a fantastic main character.
     As a no nonsense sort of woman, I expected to relate to Kaitlyn. I was disappointed with her inconsistencies. The only draw to her character is that she’s a hardcore stuntwoman. She drives a bike, has fighting experience, and man, can she take a beating. She’s also timid and lets herself get walked on. She gets roped into pulling extra shifts at a job she hates, and is also terrible at, leaving me wondering why she hasn’t been fired. Her “best friend” drags her out to parties and forces her onto strangers. While this is normal in girl-world, the extent that her friend takes it to leaves me wondering how they are best friends to begin with. Maybe there’s more to their relationship, but it doesn’t really come out. She’s paranoid and has some sort of social anxiety. How the hell does she wind up with Carey? I like them as partners, but it isn’t really believable.
     As much as I didn’t like Kaitlyn, I understand how necessary she was to the overall story. I enjoyed how the timelines twisted together as well as the parallels they created. Without spoiling too much, I loved the reveal for the first chapter. It felt like it should have been obvious, but I was still blind-sighted. Gloriously so.
     There were points in the book where I was a little bit drunk while reading. I randomly wrote out a quote that I found compelling and super meaningful. I have no idea why now, it wasn’t that amazing given the context. I guess things strike me differently when I’m wasted.
     “I do not think you can do that,” Gus said, and his voice was still water. Deep and flat and unfathomable. “It will be interesting to watch you try.”
     Out of all the delightful quips, the bits that made me laugh out loud, out of all the clever wit and action, that is the passage I wrote down. In hindsight, that sort of sums up the book in its entirety. My drunken self may be brilliant.
     So, here I am trying to wrap up my thoughts on the book and I realize I haven’t even mentioned the villains. The Angels are confusing for the majority of the book, but you know there’s nothing good coming from them. I suppose the Tar Men are a little scary, but mostly they’re throwaway action and help the characters develop and make it painfully obvious that something is going on. The Empty Ones are the stuff of nightmares. They’re believable and nearly impossible to spot. Their purpose almost makes me never want to meet any of my celebrity crushes. Of course, the fangirl in me says that being Unnoticeable wouldn’t be too horrible. This is assuming I wouldn’t “wake up” in the midst of the Empty Ones’ plans for me.

     All in all, I wait with fierce anticipation for the rest of the series.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Concern is Mine Alone

     I know I have a lot to say about my love life, but it’s kind of a happening place. I’ve tried to shut up about it, but it’s harder than you think when you have nosey friends and more than one lover at a time. Everyone has an opinion. It doesn’t matter how much of it is old news, someone finds out something new and it has to be brought to your attention. Again. Oh! And another fifty thousand times after.
     About a month ago, my ex started dating a new girl. Yes, I was still fucking him when they supposedly got together. Rude on his part. I didn’t even know he was dating. I assumed, but it wasn’t really a big deal. Anyways, he started dating one of my girl’s friends. She just found out today and freaked out and is asking me all these questions. She wants to know when I stopped talking to him and all these things. Really, it’s like, “This is none of your fucking business.” So, we didn’t work out. So, he was a jerk. I’m sure he has quite an arsenal to say about me as well. Maybe things will work out better for them. It’s really no one else’s concern.
     I am kind of seeing someone. He wants me to be his girlfriend, but he’s a little young for me. That, and I’m not done seeing other people. I like getting/making booty calls. So, that makes me slutty. I don’t care about your labels. I believe in condoms. If I was in a relationship, I’d be having the same amount of sex, it just would be the same guy every time. I like variety. You know, everyone is good at something different. I have a guy that likes to get wasted and fuck all night, I also have a guy that doesn’t drink. I have a guy that likes butt stuff. I have a guy that likes eating pussy. Point is, I love my smorgasbord. I’m also very open about it. If you ask, don’t be uncomfortable when I answer. Don’t judge me when I answer either. I don’t look down at you for asking in the first place. I also don’t ask about your sex life. Why? It’s none of my fucking business.
     I’ve lost friendships over this. Say, I used to see a guy. I’m not anymore, but I used to. I’m not friends with any of these guys that this has happened with, but people come up to me and just give me random updates about my old flames. I don’t care. The only time this has held any interest to me is when one of them died. Even then, I had personal shit going on and I wasn’t about to go out of my way for the funeral. Why did I even need to know? I wasn’t talking to him, I hadn’t in a long ass time. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I kind of have a theme going on here. Mind your own fucking business!

     I don’t care if you have your friend’s best intentions in mind, it’s usually best not to stir the pot. If they want to talk to you, then they will.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

The Love Letter from Crazy Town

This is what I told him. On Facebook. I want to die.

"What I have to say is a bit of a mouthful and I don't want to spam up your inbox with a billion texts. I figure that you're already not talking to me, so what's the worst you could do? Continue to not talk to me?

"It's been just shy of 2 years that we've been doing this dance. Of course, I have feelings. I am by definition insane. Every time I call things off with you, I secretly hope you'll protest. I'm let down every time. If I thought for even half a second that you might care, I would never even look at another guy. In all actuality, I'm breaking my own heart. You make my brain stupid and lead me into terrible decisions. I wish you were never born.

"That being said, I am irreparably in love with you. I don't need any proof of devotion or any such nonsense. All you would ever have to do is ask and I would be yours. Even if the choice was between you and a Charmander. Those evolve into Charizard, so it's kind of a big deal. You've found my weakness. No, I'm not talking about the sex, but you've never let me down there either. It is near impossible not to smile when I'm around you. I love that you get me. I'm sorry I'm irrational.

"The ball's in your court. I will stop fighting for the illusive '5 more minutes' if you wish it."

I get that my love letter is unconventional, but I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to be anyone I'm not. My devotion is clear. Really, it's a shame that he doesn't appreciate me. His response?

"I've always admired your honesty. I don't want a relationship with you. You're my best friend, without question, but I don't want to be more than that. I need to let you move on with your life. If ending our friendship means that I will never be the cause of your pain, I will support it one million percent."

So, when he texts me every day? I think about this. One of my friends still sees us getting married one day. I don't think so, but I currently love him all the same.

Love is just a Game

     People are so simple, but yet so complex. "Love is all you need." I've been in love. Reciprocal as well as unrequited. It isn't everything.
     Parents and beliefs matter. I'm lumping the two together because in my experience they usually come hand-in-hand. I am, and never will be, a part of the religious folk. My father quit forcing church when I was five. I said it was stupid. I grew up lucky with a wondrously accepting parent. Others need validation. I'm too brazen to fit in to a lot of families. Meeting circumstances can help. If I'm cutting fabric when I meet moms, that's forever where they will see me. I don't cut fabric but once a decade. If I meet them in torn jeans and tattoos exposed? I'm generally seen as trampy. I hate moms. I don't care what kind of relationship I'm in, your family's opinion does matter.
     Circumstance always comes into play as well. I'm comfortable with my lifestyle. I don't want to move. I probably should, but I don't want to. No amount of pros and cons is going to change that. I could be even happier your way. I still won't care. I'm stubborn. I'm opinionated. Mostly, I'm currently happy. I'm not looking to see how long that will last(I know it won't be forever.). I very obviously hate my future self. I plan day to day. In six months, I could be blissful. In six months, I could be miserable. Who's to say what happens in the next six months?
     I feel like the biggest drawback to love is feelings. Rewind ten hours and I was silly, optimistic, and caring. Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still all these things, but I'm also angry and depressed. In both states I would refuse a marriage proposal, but I would refuse differently. Right now, I don't believe in love. That makes sense to me. Love only exists as a reproductive scheme. Ten hours ago I would have refused because you can't commit to a single person. Love is everywhere. Love is what creates life. It isn't something that can be restricted to two people alone. Feelings are strong, regardless the flippy-floppy people they come from.
     I suppose my response is kind of the same both ways. I won't defend what I believe. I may word things differently on occasion, but I'm always me.
     Anyways, my point is that you need more. Love, compatibility, and timing are great, but it doesn't always work. Feelings lie. Circumstances change. I'm not saying we should be alone, just that traditional relationships are bullshit. Have fun when you can.

Free Agents

     I live life only for this life. I think that's what most people forget about being godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. One might say that I have nothing to live for. Nothing could be more the opposite. I have literally everything to live for. Every choice that I make affects my day to day life. You might say that of everyone, but I can't be forgiven just by telling someone I messed up. I can't repent for yesterday's mistakes. Confessing my crimes will never absolve me of them. If I lie, cheat, steal, or whatnot, I live everyday knowing that. I am damned eternally, god or no. My eternity is just shorter.