It's Too Late

I pretend I'm smarter than I've been
You smile and always come through
I don't know if I can ever let you in
There's nothing left for you to do

My life's coming down like a molotov
You say there's a better way
I'm headstrong and brush it off
There's nothing left for you to say

I've only shown you my worst
You never thought to stray
My best came out perversed
There's nothing left to make you stay

I keep repeating the same promise
You're disappointment strikes true
I swear through breath of vodka tonics
But there's nothing left for you

A New Brand of Crazy

     I so don't understand men. Usually it's me that's the confusing and irrational one, and I enjoy these features about myself. I'm also usually pretty good about keeping my emotions out of it. Obviously, I screw up sometimes.
     So, I'm seeing this guy. I kind of like him. He's smart, funny, super-nerdy, and kinda chubby. I'm cool with it. He's also stupid-ridiculous in the sack. We game together, get dinner and drinks, and all that fun stuff.
     Then the crazy sets in. Said guy blocks my number with no explanation. I'm confused and a little irritated now. I decide it's not worth it and go see some other guy for drinks. Not a big deal. A few days go by and the first guy calls me and invites me to get lunch. I'm a sucker for Olive Garden, of course I go.
     We meet up and I'm kind of a dick. You don't get to just blow me off and still expect me to be sweet. He tells me that I scare him and he's starting to get feelings for me. He panicked and decided to push me away rather than admit there could be something here. He apologizes profusely. I'm a total sucker for feelings.
     I am by no means about to call this guy my boyfriend, but we definitely do super date-y stuff. He helps me pick colors for my hair, we hold hands in the store, he convinces me to by plastic ceiling stars(insisting he'll put them up for me because there's no way I'd be able to reach). I help him do dishes, we sign up for painting classes. It's all too cute for words. He blows me off a couple times, but swears he'll make it up to me.
     Then I get dropped with a bunch more crazy! His "ex-girlfriend" gets on his Facebook and sends me a long-winded message saying what a dirtbag he was and that he lies all the time. She's just looking out for my best interest and she's certain I deserve better. I tell her he's not my boyfriend, but thanks for looking out. Bitch must be drunk or something, she just keeps going on about what a horrible person he is and that he's awful in bed. Then she asks if I knew he had a girlfriend. Keep in mind she started this conversation with, "This is his ex." I'm hung-over as shit at this point and I'm sick of this poor, broken girl blowing up my phone. "Well, by your own words, you aren't his girlfriend. So, obviously, how could I have known?" "I was until yesterday." "No, he never said anything, take it up with him." She goes on about her trust issues and how she finally started opening up to him. He told her I was just a friend. "We've just been hanging out." "He said you were really good in bed?" Seriously? Does this boy thrive on drama or what? "In bed, in the car, in the shower, and really wherever we feel like doing it. But yeah, just friends." I wonder if he's noticed that she's blocked me.
     I'm back to being over it.

The Unnoticeables by Robert Brockway

     I got this book as a birthday present from a friend. I had every intention of buying it for myself, but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet. That being said, I am a terrible procrastinator. I didn’t start reading it until probably about a month later. I was drawn in by the first line alone. I barely set it down even to sleep. Reading it was like nothing else I had read before without being too pretentious. It was humorous and utterly enthralling.

     Carey is absolutely wonderful. Well, not really; he’s a bit of a loser and he’s completely incompetent. He sort of reminds me of these traveling crust kids I knew in my hometown that rolled into town every summer. Homeless, a little smelly, and always down to party. I supposed that leaves me a little biased toward him. I loved watching him grow into the hero he’s forced into becoming. Literally forced, kicking and screaming. While being reckless and irresponsible, he’s caring and protective of his group. He’s sexy and completely disgusting, and he makes for a fantastic main character.

     As a no nonsense sort of woman, I expected to relate to Kaitlyn. I was disappointed with her inconsistencies. The only draw to her character is that she’s a hardcore stuntwoman. She drives a bike, has fighting experience, and man, can she take a beating. She’s also timid and lets herself get walked on. She gets roped into pulling extra shifts at a job she hates, and is also terrible at, leaving me wondering why she hasn’t been fired. Her “best friend” drags her out to parties and forces her onto strangers. While this is normal in girl-world, the extent that her friend takes it to leaves me wondering how they are best friends to begin with. Maybe there’s more to their relationship, but it doesn’t really come out. She’s paranoid and has some sort of social anxiety. How the hell does she wind up with Carey? I like them as partners, but it isn’t really believable.

     As much as I didn’t like Kaitlyn, I understand how necessary she was to the overall story. I enjoyed how the timelines twisted together as well as the parallels they created. Without spoiling too much, I loved the reveal for the first chapter. It felt like it should have been obvious, but I was still blind-sighted. Gloriously so.

     There were points in the book where I was a little bit drunk while reading. I randomly wrote out a quote that I found compelling and super meaningful. I have no idea why now, it wasn’t that amazing given the context. I guess things strike me differently when I’m wasted.

     “I do not think you can do that,” Gus said, and his voice was still water. Deep and flat and unfathomable. “It will be interesting to watch you try.”

     Out of all the delightful quips, the bits that made me laugh out loud, out of all the clever wit and action, that is the passage I wrote down. In hindsight, that sort of sums up the book in its entirety. My drunken self may be brilliant.

     So, here I am trying to wrap up my thoughts on the book and I realize I haven’t even mentioned the villains. The Angels are confusing for the majority of the book, but you know there’s nothing good coming from them. I suppose the Tar Men are a little scary, but mostly they’re throwaway action and help the characters develop and make it painfully obvious that something is going on. The Empty Ones are the stuff of nightmares. They’re believable and nearly impossible to spot. Their purpose almost makes me never want to meet any of my celebrity crushes. Of course, the fangirl in me says that being Unnoticeable wouldn’t be too horrible. This is assuming I wouldn’t “wake up” in the midst of the Empty Ones’ plans for me.

     All in all, I wait with fierce anticipation for the rest of the series.

The Concern is Mine Alone

     I know I have a lot to say about my love life, but it’s kind of a happening place. I’ve tried to shut up about it, but it’s harder than you think when you have nosey friends and more than one lover at a time. Everyone has an opinion. It doesn’t matter how much of it is old news, someone finds out something new and it has to be brought to your attention. Again. Oh! And another fifty thousand times after.

     About a month ago, my ex started dating a new girl. Yes, I was still fucking him when they supposedly got together. Rude on his part. I didn’t even know he was dating. I assumed, but it wasn’t really a big deal. Anyways, he started dating one of my girl’s friends. She just found out today and freaked out and is asking me all these questions. She wants to know when I stopped talking to him and all these things. Really, it’s like, “This is none of your fucking business.” So, we didn’t work out. So, he was a jerk. I’m sure he has quite an arsenal to say about me as well. Maybe things will work out better for them. It’s really no one else’s concern.

     I am kind of seeing someone. He wants me to be his girlfriend, but he’s a little young for me. That, and I’m not done seeing other people. I like getting/making booty calls. So, that makes me slutty. I don’t care about your labels. I believe in condoms. If I was in a relationship, I’d be having the same amount of sex, it just would be the same guy every time. I like variety. You know, everyone is good at something different. I have a guy that likes to get wasted and fuck all night, I also have a guy that doesn’t drink. I have a guy that likes butt stuff. I have a guy that likes eating pussy. Point is, I love my smorgasbord. I’m also very open about it. If you ask, don’t be uncomfortable when I answer. Don’t judge me when I answer either. I don’t look down at you for asking in the first place. I also don’t ask about your sex life. Why? It’s none of my fucking business.

     I’ve lost friendships over this. Say, I used to see a guy. I’m not anymore, but I used to. I’m not friends with any of these guys that this has happened with, but people come up to me and just give me random updates about my old flames. I don’t care. The only time this has held any interest to me is when one of them died. Even then, I had personal shit going on and I wasn’t about to go out of my way for the funeral. Why did I even need to know? I wasn’t talking to him, I hadn’t in a long ass time. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I kind of have a theme going on here. Mind your own fucking business!

     I don’t care if you have your friend’s best intentions in mind, it’s usually best not to stir the pot. If they want to talk to you, then they will.

The Love Letter from Crazy Town

This is what I told him. On Facebook. I want to die.

"What I have to say is a bit of a mouthful and I don't want to spam up your inbox with a billion texts. I figure that you're already not talking to me, so what's the worst you could do? Continue to not talk to me?

"It's been just shy of 2 years that we've been doing this dance. Of course, I have feelings. I am by definition insane. Every time I call things off with you, I secretly hope you'll protest. I'm let down every time. If I thought for even half a second that you might care, I would never even look at another guy. In all actuality, I'm breaking my own heart. You make my brain stupid and lead me into terrible decisions. I wish you were never born.

"That being said, I am irreparably in love with you. I don't need any proof of devotion or any such nonsense. All you would ever have to do is ask and I would be yours. Even if the choice was between you and a Charmander. Those evolve into Charizard, so it's kind of a big deal. You've found my weakness. No, I'm not talking about the sex, but you've never let me down there either. It is near impossible not to smile when I'm around you. I love that you get me. I'm sorry I'm irrational.

"The ball's in your court. I will stop fighting for the illusive '5 more minutes' if you wish it."

I get that my love letter is unconventional, but I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to be anyone I'm not. My devotion is clear. Really, it's a shame that he doesn't appreciate me. His response?

"I've always admired your honesty. I don't want a relationship with you. You're my best friend, without question, but I don't want to be more than that. I need to let you move on with your life. If ending our friendship means that I will never be the cause of your pain, I will support it one million percent."

So, when he texts me every day? I think about this. One of my friends still sees us getting married one day. I don't think so, but I currently love him all the same.

Love is just a Game

     People are so simple, but yet so complex. "Love is all you need." I've been in love. Reciprocal as well as unrequited. It isn't everything.
     Parents and beliefs matter. I'm lumping the two together because in my experience they usually come hand-in-hand. I am, and never will be, a part of the religious folk. My father quit forcing church when I was five. I said it was stupid. I grew up lucky with a wondrously accepting parent. Others need validation. I'm too brazen to fit in to a lot of families. Meeting circumstances can help. If I'm cutting fabric when I meet moms, that's forever where they will see me. I don't cut fabric but once a decade. If I meet them in torn jeans and tattoos exposed? I'm generally seen as trampy. I hate moms. I don't care what kind of relationship I'm in, your family's opinion does matter.
     Circumstance always comes into play as well. I'm comfortable with my lifestyle. I don't want to move. I probably should, but I don't want to. No amount of pros and cons is going to change that. I could be even happier your way. I still won't care. I'm stubborn. I'm opinionated. Mostly, I'm currently happy. I'm not looking to see how long that will last(I know it won't be forever.). I very obviously hate my future self. I plan day to day. In six months, I could be blissful. In six months, I could be miserable. Who's to say what happens in the next six months?
     I feel like the biggest drawback to love is feelings. Rewind ten hours and I was silly, optimistic, and caring. Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still all these things, but I'm also angry and depressed. In both states I would refuse a marriage proposal, but I would refuse differently. Right now, I don't believe in love. That makes sense to me. Love only exists as a reproductive scheme. Ten hours ago I would have refused because you can't commit to a single person. Love is everywhere. Love is what creates life. It isn't something that can be restricted to two people alone. Feelings are strong, regardless the flippy-floppy people they come from.
     I suppose my response is kind of the same both ways. I won't defend what I believe. I may word things differently on occasion, but I'm always me.
     Anyways, my point is that you need more. Love, compatibility, and timing are great, but it doesn't always work. Feelings lie. Circumstances change. I'm not saying we should be alone, just that traditional relationships are bullshit. Have fun when you can.

Free Agents

     I live life only for this life. I think that's what most people forget about being godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. One might say that I have nothing to live for. Nothing could be more the opposite. I have literally everything to live for. Every choice that I make affects my day to day life. You might say that of everyone, but I can't be forgiven just by telling someone I messed up. I can't repent for yesterday's mistakes. Confessing my crimes will never absolve me of them. If I lie, cheat, steal, or whatnot, I live everyday knowing that. I am damned eternally, god or no. My eternity is just shorter.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

     There are the obvious risks of alcohol abuse: liver cirrhosis, drunk driving, and of course, poor decision-making. What we don't talk about are other symptoms. I don't know why. We preach about our food choices and active lifestyle choices, why not go into greater detail about alcohol? I have a money/economy theory, but that's not what I'm talking about today.
     Dementia. It's known that people are prone to poor decisions while intoxicated, but heavy drinking can also lead to deficits in the ability to plan. Although I do crosswords and logic puzzles on the regular, in the long-term my alcoholism will affect my problem solving abilities. It may not be strictly the alcohol, but my drinking can affect the way I absorb nutrients, which can also trigger dementia.
      Surely you've heard the "Which Came First" debate. I always side with the egg, but again, not my topic. Depression and alcoholism go hand in hand. Some people will self-medicate for depression, while others are drunk and get depressed because of it. I'm a case from the latter. I generally lead a good life. Yeah, sometimes I'm broke and sometimes I'm alone. I also have the greatest group of friends for support. I like where I'm living, and I generally like my life. Somehow, I still can't make it a week without consuming a beer or twelve. Just today I've had a carafe of hot sake, a plum wine, three Mike's, and four shots. I'm sure I could come up with a thousand excuses as for why, but the fact remains that I didn't need to drink tonight. I did. I'm not sad, or even lethargic. I went out and did things today. I just wanted to drink.
     I am overweight. I'm not huge, but I'm definitely not the same girl I was ten years ago. You could strike that up as an age thing, but it's where I carry the weight that is a dead giveaway. While I have gotten bigger all around, the majority of the new weight is carried around my stomach. My legs will fit three to four pants sizes down from my waist. My butt is the most awkward thing when buying jeans. I still manage to pick up hotties, so I tell myself it isn't a big deal. It can't be particularly healthy.
     On occasion I develop numbness in my extremities. For about a week last year I couldn't feel the toes on my right foot. I also experienced seizures at the time. Only for the beginning of the week, but still. Seizures are serious business. I absolutely did not go to the doctor. I knew what the cause was, and I knew the solution. Five years ago, a weekend binge resulted in embarrassing stories where I walked into screen doors or spoke of robot conspiracies that would kill my friends. Lately, my binges last a day. I would drink a second day, but between being miserably bedridden and shitting out hurricanes, I just don't have the energy. I used to throw up when I'd had too much, and I miss it. As embarrassing as that was, it was better than admitting that I can't remember anything. I've taken to faking it. I've heard enough blackout stories that I can pretend I know what happened. Back to my statement with the numbness, while I've never shit myself, I've peed. This has something to do with nerve damage. I just don't have the same sensation I used to. It's also ruined drunk sex. Yeah, I can fuck all night, but I will never orgasm. What's the point?
     Yeah, drinking is totally cool. Tell all your friends. I want you to feel superior to everyone you know that uses "hard drugs". Alcoholism is WAY better.

Exes, Ohs, and the Marquis de Carabas

     Love is a funny thing. I often confuse it with lust, but in this particular scenario, I think I might be getting it right. Mind you, I'm still no good at it. As time passes I find myself growing more manipulative. Forever trying for "five more minutes" is enough to make anyone crazy.
     Chasing the ex is going about as well as it always does. When we're together, it's wonderful. It's not even about the sex(not that he's ever left me with any complaints). When we aren't together, I'm looking for an excuse to see him. I could see myself spending forever with him. I can't tell him such things, but I would marry him in a heartbeat. At this point, we're friends first, anything more is just bonus. We talk every day. Sometimes it's serious, and other times it's arguing about whether magenta is purple or pink(totally pink!). We both understand that we aren't together, but the longest we go without at least texting is about two days. I love hearing about his day-to-day frustrations, his future goals, and whatever dumb shit pops into his head. It's basically every aspect of being in a relationship, just without the title. Oh, and free-reign to see other people.
     Recently, I've taken up this dating freedom. I've been talking to other guys, nothing serious, but I did manage to sleep with one. I don't know if it was actually terrible, or if I've just hardwired myself for failure. I'm certain I've raved about the ex's sexual prowess, but I can't think of anything particularly special that he does. Half of it might just be our banter. I think you should be able to laugh in the throws of passion. After a year and a half I've come to expect it. I've grown accustomed to the shape of his lips, as well as the rhythm of his tongue entangling with my own. Making out with another guy just feels weird. I don't want anyone else.
     Here's where the manipulation comes in. Our non-relationship dictates that we can totally do whatever we'd like with whomever we'd like. We only tell each other if it looks like it's gonna get serious. Sometimes he starts blowing me off, and I've pretty much taken that to mean he's started seeing someone else. Nothing snaps him back into shape like jealousy. Even though I'm not really interested in these other guys, I'll mention to him that I'm sort of seeing someone and we should probably stop sleeping together. He'll ask what said guy is like and I'll combine my favorite traits from these other guys and pick one of their names. I'll basically paint the guy as being perfect. Last time I did this, he was over within the hour. Is that crazy? I feel mildly terrible for lying, but it's terribly effective. Just the other day I wasn't feeling well, he came over anyways and snuggled with me for a couple hours.
     It feels like love. You can argue with me all day and night about my poor decisions and how unhealthy this is, but at the end of the day I still adore him. I'm elated when I wake up next to him. It's terribly unconventional, but it makes me happy.

Swipe Left!

     I'm an online dater. At least, I was. At this point, I mostly use my accounts to troll men or to use as a soapbox when I'm on rampage. Guys will at least pretend to listen when they want to mash junk and whatnot. I know online dating works for some people, it just hasn't for me. Maybe I'm too picky. Can one even be too picky online? Anyways, I have some complaints. What else is new?
     I suppose I'll start off with the easy shots. You're talking to some guy, you're even hitting it off. You decide to exchange numbers. Boom! Dick pic. Seriously? If I gave you my snapchat info, I'd get it. Kind of. But my phone number? I thought I had gotten away from this by switching to sites where I can't send pics. Nope. We've just created a new breed of cock shot offenders. Is there something gratifying about sending unwarranted viewings of your shlong? I mean, why go through the time and energy of actual conversation just to surprise me with your penis at first opportunity? Color. Me. Baffled.
     They are dating websites, right? If I wanted a random hook-up, I could easily saunter down to the nearest bar(trust me, there are a few) and jimmy my way into some dude's pants. That being said, I hate getting messages asking for sex. You could argue that at least they're being honest and just skipping the pretext facade thing. You could argue that I could just check their profile and see if I want to do it as well. I've totally slept with men with less information. It's just too bad that I like the pretext facade thing. Put some thought into it. I'm not so naive that I'm going to be talking to guys that I can't see having crazy monkey sex with at some point. I like sex, they like sex(hopefully), and I assume if we hit it off it will happen. I just like a bit of metaphor-play.
     My biggest beef with online dating is laziness: scripted messages that you get over and over, single word messages, when checking their profile it's clear that they only looked at your picture, and it's really just awful. You know, I'm pretty chill for the most part. I'll blow off messages, it's easier than turning guys down individually. I used to, but they usually argued with me and tried to convince me otherwise, so I've quit. Usually that's fine. Some guys will send a second, I'm okay with that as well. After the third, he's just talking to himself really. Then I start getting irritated. I'll respond politely at first so they know that I did see their messages, and that I just have no interest. One pick up line later and I've grabbed my megaphone and it's up to full blast. I may have lied a second ago; I love it when it gets to this point. They actually get really offended and start calling me names. As it turns out, I love banter. It's not going to get them anywhere, but I enjoy it never the less. Getting mad over it would be like playing Call of Duty and being offended over some kid calling me a faggot. It's just expected.
     Speaking of being offended: Guys, don't sheepishly tell me how you aren't an online dater. Obviously, you and I both are. The fact that you're embarrassed says wonders about me. I get that you might be socially awkward or whatever. By telling me you "never do this," you're really just ostracizing me. I'm not about to lie to my friends about how we met, and I sure as hell won't let you shame me over it.
     All in all, I think the main reason I can't seem to met someone online is because of choice. You'd think that choice would bring more opportunity, but really it makes everything worse. The options are basically limitless, so I keep getting choosier. With this mindset the grass can always be greener.

     Oh hey, look! I got a message!

For the Benefit of Being Single 2

     Break ups are still hard. I'm still a neurotic whack-job. I feel like I'm a functional human this time around though. I'm not fucking everything with a penis. I'm not immersing myself in a pit of distractions. I'm not constantly wasted. Let me repeat: I'm not constantly wasted. Maybe the difference is that I recognized that I wasn't being treated well and I called it off. I found my self-respect. I hadn't even realized that I'd lost it.
     I'm not alone. Every person I know goes a little bit crazy post-relationship. Be it debilitating depression or otherwise unhealthy coping mechanisms, everyone does it. I know people that quit eating for weeks, or that got fired because they were too unstable to go to work. My alcoholism doesn't seem that bad by comparison. I still make all my shifts. I still find an appetite. Rather, I did when it was still fresh.
     I haven't had sex in three months.  It's not even for lack of opportunity. I just don't feel like meaningless sex. I don't really want a relationship either. I simply don't have any reason to get my freak on. I'm okay  with this. I'm happy. I know I've said that before, but I think I mean it this time. I've met cute and charming men. I've smiled politely and said I'm not interested. I hadn't really noticed until my friends pointed it out.
     I've always had this hyper-sexual, confident, opinionated persona. In the last month or so the facade has worn down. I'm still confident, I just don't need to be the center of attention anymore. I'm still funny, just a bit more reserved. I might even be more approachable now. Maybe. I'm not entirely sure. I'm not going out very often, and even when I am I'm with friends.
     I think I'm finally starting to grow up. I recognize that I'm still a bit crazy, but I'm not obsessive or self-destructive. I'm like a real person. It's not fantastic, but it's not not fantastic either. It's just life.

Na Na Na Batman!

I made a card. And a t-shirt.

Movies are Bullshit

     In movies love is easy. Well, it isn't, but it makes sense there. Mistakes can be fixed. The love of your life comes back. Hell, you have a love of your life to begin with.
     It always starts out perfect and then there's a problem: distance, break-ups, illness, another person, doesn't really matter. There's always a problem. The solution is usually ridiculously silly. The problem here is that movies teach you that your true love will always come back if you make the right speech. If you say how you truly feel, all will be perfect. You'll move in together, or get married, or whatever the goal was. Then you'll live happily ever after.
     This is reality. The speech doesn't fix anything. It just leaves you feeling pathetic and empty. There's a reason you broke up. There might be someone else, maybe one can't stand the other anymore, what does it matter the why? You aren't together and trying to force things is a waste of time.
     As much as I love chick flicks and fairy tales, we live in a world with divorce, and death, and single mothers. Couples break-up every day. There is no "meant to be" and some people will end up alone. The trick is to move on.

Why don't my relationships ever work?

     I'm finally coming out and saying it. I suck at being a girlfriend. You know what, I'm happier single, but sometimes something misfires in my brain and I decide I want something more. Then I'm miserable and I proceed to fuck up whatever it is that I'm involved in. It's never pretty. To be fair though, I pick out guys for all the wrong reasons.
     Most recently, I was seeing this guy that's kind of part of my friend group. I wasn't really interested, he was just bangable. We had a one night stand last summer and haven't really spoken since. Well, we all went to the bar and he ended up coming home with me. The next morning, one of the roommates forbids him from ever coming over again. I guess they knew each other. Anyways, I'm a dick, so I proceed to start bringing him over all the time. Eventually, he starts asking if he can go out with the guys on Friday night. When did this stop being a fling?! Anyways, I pick a fight with him, lay on a guilt trip, and now he hasn't spoken to me in a week. It's a shame, the sex was pretty good.
     I don't know if this one really counts. I let this guy take me on dates. He would text me every day, he bought me books and CD's. I'm not really a flowers kind of person. I never slept with him. I straight up told him that I would never sleep with him. He really is a nice guy, but I'm just too shallow for him. I hate saying that, but his hair is thinning, he has awful mutton chops, and he wears ridiculous screen-printed, button-up shirts. I'm an awful person. I let him take me out for like 6 months. And I quite frequently would tell him when I had one night stands. There was actually one point where I got another guys number while we were out for karaoke. I finally just told him I was seeing someone so I could clear my conscience.
     Now we get to the one I've been hung up on since September. He's awful. He understands that I'm awful. He calls me when he's bored, even though we aren't even sleeping together anymore. His current girlfriend was getting suspicious, so we kind of had to quit. What can I say? We get each other. That's precisely why we would never work out. It's funny though, when we dated, I made him wait a couple weeks before I put out. I don't know who I was trying to be, but it makes me smile looking back. I've talked about him before, usually drunk posts, so you should know that we work together. I got a promotion and switched departments. A month later, that asshole got the same promotion. I'm back to seeing him everyday at work.
     Thinking back on all the relationships I've ever had, I think I had one that could've worked. He was fine with my promiscuity, as long as I told him about it and always came home to him afterwards. Silly me, I finally took him up on that. I flipped shit when he didn't care. I'm telling you, my brain seriously likes to misfire sometimes. I ended up slapping him in the face and breaking up with him on the spot. I was also a little drunk. I think I liked that one better as a fuck buddy as well.
     My point here was that relationships are awful and you shouldn't do them. Okay, maybe not you. I shouldn't do them.

You're Doing It Wrong!

     I enjoy the person I am. Sometimes I lose sight of that. Guess what? I'm fucking back, and the extent of my scandalous behavior knows no bounds. I don't know exactly happened. That last idiot I was with made me want to be a good person. Boring! So, let's just take a step back and see where I screwed up.
     Monogamous relationships are boring. Shit, relationships in general are boring. Yeah, getting all snuggly with a movie is nice. Who says you can't do that with a one night stand? It's super-comfortable, and you can still kick them out in the morning.
     The thing about flings is the sex drive. I can't remember the last boyfriend I had that woke me up several times throughout the night to get it on. Not that it doesn't happen, it's just something about knowing there's an imminent end on the way sky rockets libido. Also, with the "just tonight" mentality, I've found guys are more adventurous.
     Picking up guys is an art. Okay, not really, but it should be. You have to be flirty enough where they think they have a chance, but not so slutty that they won't get you things. It also helps to act a little dumb. Honestly, the easiest way to pick someone up is with a wingman. Other guys make the best wingmen, especially when they're interested in you themselves. They unintentionally talk you up in front of everyone. Mind you, everyone can tell they've been friendzoned, except for them. That's really half the fun. So, that cute guy making eyes at you from the pool table? Go play pool. So what if you suck at pool and never plan on calling him. It's just a gesture. Plus, making plans to bang this guy and making sure the guy in the friendzone doesn't see you doing it is...well, it's terribly thrilling.
     As for that stupid face I was seeing, it occurred to me that I can still be a good person and see other people. Hell, I could continue seeing him and it still wouldn't matter. Sex doesn't define you. I could take home a different guy every other day and no one would bat an eye.
     All in all, I'm just trying to say it's my god damned personal life. I like fucking. I like my decisions. If you don't, fuck you. You've got your own life to make miserable with your high morality.

Poetry?

     I don't get poetry. There are so many other ways to express yourself. I like haiku, but mostly because I can't write anything serious. I mean, what's the point of making things rhyme or giving your thoughts strange formats? I know 10 years ago I couldn't get enough of the stuff. I was also an obnoxious and angsty teenager. I always have ideas for poems or I'll think of a single line that I'll fall in love with. It never progresses from there. I'd much rather have pages of thoughts that I can be more exact with. I've grown a certain distaste for ambiguity and cryptic messages in my wordplay. Although this could just be my lack of talent speaking.

To be continued...

     So, I keep starting posts, but then deciding against it because there's no real content. So I figured 3 beginnings is almost a full piece. I know, I'm a horrible slacker.

1.
     I miss you. Feelings are stupid things. From a logical perspective, you're a jerk and I should harbor nothing but contempt for your mere existence. Unfortunately, I forget what logic even is when I think about you. Is that what love is?

2.
     Every group has one. You all know "that guy." That self-centered, skirt-chasing, over-bearing douchebag. In my group, that's me.

3.
     I sometimes forget that I can be fierce. Not necessarily in a crazy way, just that I am strong-willed and can have a civil conversation where my victory is the only option. I don't know why I let myself be painted into corners. I just know that I'm on top of the universe right now. It's been over 24 hours and the feeling remains. I'm hoping there's a way to keep this feeling without being overly confrontational all the time. Although, would that really be so bad?

     I had ideas to turn these into complete thoughts. I still have anecdotes, thoughts on robots, and dick jokes. Just no way of working it 'til I'm content. Yay for half-assing a piece!

What is love?

It's magenta.
It's hot and cold at the same time.
It's goosebumps triggered by a single thought.
It's conversations without purpose.
It's ridiculous facial expressions.
It's inside jokes.
It's showers so long the water turns to ice.
It's butterflies that last for days.
It's not taking poetry seriously.
It's noticing the little changes.
It's appreciation in every form.
It's silly haircuts you dream about.
It's art.
It's passion.
It's absolutely perfect without being anything at all.

It's how my heart breaks every time he goes.

Different than Initially Imagined

Funny thing about memories, they always seem to come by most inconveniently unannounced. Usually they're more than welcome, but sometimes you just have to ask them to leave. Rude things they are, too, with the whole never leaving thing. Even when you have your foot in their ass and you're quite literally kicking them out the door, they still remain quite attached to either sides of the frame. Then again, on the other hand, you have fleeting memories. These ones never stick around or even attempt to make themselves at home. You'll wake up to them in the morning, but if you close your eyes again, even for a second, they're long gone before you've had a chance to make breakfast. While you dream about them, they're often bittersweet dreams. They're also the ones that make you smile when they randomly pop up throughout the day. They're the ones you miss. Even though sometimes they can make you crazy, it's a good crazy.

Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic today.

Love Hurts

     "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." Elie Wiesel said it the most brilliantly. I usually put it in a more brazen manner, "That asshole won't pay attention to me!" This is usually accompanied by drunken sobs. I'm sure I've gone on about how much break ups suck and also how badly I deal with them. Here we go again.
     Obviously, drinking is not the answer. Drinking leads to calling people at 2 in the morning. I know this mostly stems from my lack of self control. Sometimes that leads to hooking up. Other times, I play drunken confessions and I tell the guy how much I love him, even though he just dumped me. There's where we get the indifference. I just poured out my heart and he just walks away. So then I end up drinking more. Vicious cycle.
     Do not fuck your ex! It's bad enough you just told him you loved him. Casual sex does not turn into love, no matter how often he stays over or tells you how beautiful you look in the mornings. He skips work to fuck. It's nothing more. He knows how you feel, so he knows you won't say no. He's just horny. Look, I know he's a fantastic lay, but there are other fantastic lovers out there. I'm not saying go pick up some strange, but really, have some self respect and quit letting him walk all over you.
     The obsessive behavior has got to stop. You can't plan a future with someone who doesn't care. So, he takes you out to eat and randomly talks to you about his dreams. So what? He dumped you. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend, much less have the white picket fence and grandkids together. Why does he get jealous of your guy friends? Doesn't matter. Quit talking to him and move on. Then again, there was some PDA going on while we were out shopping together the other day. That's totally a sign, right?
     Shit, I think I just entered psychopath territory. I'm pretty sure I said I was bad at this. I don't necessarily need an on-and-off boyfriend, so maybe it's good that he ignores me for days at a time.