Love is a funny thing. I often confuse it with lust, but in this particular scenario, I think I might be getting it right. Mind you, I'm still no good at it. As time passes I find myself growing more manipulative. Forever trying for "five more minutes" is enough to make anyone crazy.
Chasing the ex is going about as well as it always does. When we're together, it's wonderful. It's not even about the sex(not that he's ever left me with any complaints). When we aren't together, I'm looking for an excuse to see him. I could see myself spending forever with him. I can't tell him such things, but I would marry him in a heartbeat. At this point, we're friends first, anything more is just bonus. We talk every day. Sometimes it's serious, and other times it's arguing about whether magenta is purple or pink(totally pink!). We both understand that we aren't together, but the longest we go without at least texting is about two days. I love hearing about his day-to-day frustrations, his future goals, and whatever dumb shit pops into his head. It's basically every aspect of being in a relationship, just without the title. Oh, and free-reign to see other people.
Recently, I've taken up this dating freedom. I've been talking to other guys, nothing serious, but I did manage to sleep with one. I don't know if it was actually terrible, or if I've just hardwired myself for failure. I'm certain I've raved about the ex's sexual prowess, but I can't think of anything particularly special that he does. Half of it might just be our banter. I think you should be able to laugh in the throws of passion. After a year and a half I've come to expect it. I've grown accustomed to the shape of his lips, as well as the rhythm of his tongue entangling with my own. Making out with another guy just feels weird. I don't want anyone else.
Here's where the manipulation comes in. Our non-relationship dictates that we can totally do whatever we'd like with whomever we'd like. We only tell each other if it looks like it's gonna get serious. Sometimes he starts blowing me off, and I've pretty much taken that to mean he's started seeing someone else. Nothing snaps him back into shape like jealousy. Even though I'm not really interested in these other guys, I'll mention to him that I'm sort of seeing someone and we should probably stop sleeping together. He'll ask what said guy is like and I'll combine my favorite traits from these other guys and pick one of their names. I'll basically paint the guy as being perfect. Last time I did this, he was over within the hour. Is that crazy? I feel mildly terrible for lying, but it's terribly effective. Just the other day I wasn't feeling well, he came over anyways and snuggled with me for a couple hours.
It feels like love. You can argue with me all day and night about my poor decisions and how unhealthy this is, but at the end of the day I still adore him. I'm elated when I wake up next to him. It's terribly unconventional, but it makes me happy.
